hidDen message, seaRch beNeath

Dear Dr Nello:

A couple of months ago I started a blog, that was very popular but unfortunately I was only able to maintain it for a short period of time before I lost interest/motivation. I would like to start updating my blog again, because I think people really care about what I think, and most people probably have to waste their time now reading blogs by people who consider showering a hobby. I was wondering if you have any tips to get me going.

-- All Blogged Up

Dear ABU:

It's a good thing you're contacting me about this; I do have experience with making superb weblogs. The first question to ask, though, is if you really have the content to make a good site. Writing about your thoughts is a start, but consider thinking outside the box.

You can promise your readers a special event once a week (such as "Top 10 List" Friday, "Picture of My Children" Saturday, "Ghetto Muzik" Tuesday, or "I'll Actually Put Up a Post" Someday). Not only will this spark interest, but it will give you something creative and simple to do once a week.

Since you're starting back up and old blog, you probably have some posts already published. If you run out of new ideas to post, don't be afraid to go on a secret sabbatical ... just repost some oldies, or refer back to previous ones. You'll be surprised how many readers you can trick into thinking you've posted something new.

Or you can change the purpose of the entire blog. You could try a political approach, attacking governmental leaders without providing any real solutions. This way you capture the emotions of your audience without the responsibility of fixing the problems you point out. A blog about how much you hate the blog-o-sphere is an interesting concept; the irony of antiblogging will make your readers forget that you have no content.

Of course, the ramblings of your thoughts might be just enough to entertain your visitors, but don't lose steam by feeling the need to post every day. Twice a week is generally sufficient, and if you only post, say, five times in a month, that's just fine.

Also, remember to check out my previous post on blog advice.

-- Dr. N

Nerds and Neighbors

Here's a letter answered by our guest columnist and fellow blogger, Justinespired.

Dear Dr. Nello:

My neighbor "Wilma" is concerning me with her behavior. Recently when she was describing someone's actions to me, she said they were being, "unconsciously deliberate." Now to me that just seems to be contradictory but I thought it was best to bring it up with you. Then today Wilma said that people were believing "environmental wakoism" and I can't find "wakoism" in any dictionary, even the enormous unabridged version she recently bought for me didn't have it. So doctor, should I be concerned about this? Or is this just an uncontrollable behavior?

-- Confused

Dear Confused:

First of all, my apologies for not replying to your question sooner. I am the mother of many children and therefore have little time to dedicate to pursuing my own hobbies: writing and showering. Secondly, I’m wondering where YOU find the time to worry so much about other people’s problems. You don’t mention having any children. Do you? If so, you must not have enough. Find a way to legally acquire as many as possible. If you are single, I advise you seek out a large family and sell yourself to them as an indentured servant. Lastly, I suggest you stop taking books from your neighbor. Anyone who gives you unsolicited unabridged dictionaries likely suffers from a shopping addiction and you are just being an enabler.

-- Justinespired

Senor Rita (It's a Mr. Ri)

Dear Doc:

My sister is starting to worry me. She has absolutely no self esteem. "Bertha" calls herself man-woman, and recently asked my mother, "If children are like pancakes, why'd you make me so thick?" And one time I was looking in a mirror at a restaurant, and said "Who is that good looking guy?", referring to myself obviously, and my sister replied, "Me? Oh wait, you said good looking." Should I be concerned about this? Or should I be happy that she won't get her hopes up too high.

-- Concerned in Connecticut

Dear Connect-the-Dots:

I can't believe you're just now starting to worry. In cases like these the "Mister Sister" exhibits strange behavior for quite some time before the self-identity issues. Does your sister ever use halitosis as a weapon, speak Japanese or bathe in mayonnaise? All these are an indication of liquoreecha, an unfortunately common and severe affliction. Luckily there is a cure. In fact there are two cures! The first cure is a witch's brew made of nightshade, saffron and cat's blood mixed in a large black cauldron; drinking this in a graveyard during a full moon has been known to heal on at least three occasions. The second, which is slightly more practical, is to send your sister away to finishing school, however this may end up costing more than the first option.

-- Dr. N

Jiggly Jello Justifies

Dr. Jello:

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my roommates I want to kill them. I know murder is usually looked down upon, but they're really inconsiderate, irresponsible and idiotic. Also, I heard that a student whose roommate dies gets an automatic A. Considering these factors, what do you recommend?

-- Fed Up Grad Student

Dear Fed Up:

If you're hesitating about killing them to get an A, that's a problem right there. Roommates can be annoying sometimes, and a loving doctor would tell you to forgive them and try to work out a long lasting relationship. Unfortunately, I am not one of those doctors. If you really think killing them is wrong, you could always pay some one to do that for you. And if you really don't feel like spending the money, try selling them to the gypsies. Tell everyone that they died in some stupid, unbelievable, you-have-to-be-there-to-believe-it accident (you'd be surprised what people will believe) to avoid suspicion over their disappearance. They may be in misery, but you avoid getting blood on your hands. Plus, selling them means you now have money to use on killing future roommates.

-- Dr. Jello

The Other Other Doctor's Dog Deal

Exactly one week ago I gave Dr. Fello a seven-day expiration date. Here is the letter that just barely made it in time (he does apologize for the delay). Should we keep him? Your comments will determine his fate.

Doctor Fello:

Your name is so much cooler than Doctor Nello! Anyway, if my dog swallowed a leaking battery that I found in the mud at a toxic waste factory, and he's been throwing up, turned green, and can now talk, should I take him to an animal hospital, or just wait and let it pass? My friend said I should have done it a month ago when it happened, but I just wanted to ask a professional vet first.

-- Weird Dog's Owner

Dear Weird Owner:

Thank you for your compliment, and yes, my name is definitely much cooler than Dr. Nello. Of course, no offense to him.

As to your dog, if he has not yet died, film him while he is still talking and get it running on YouTube. If you get enough interest going, try seeing if a talk show might be interested in putting your dog on as a guest (actually you might want to contact "The View" to see if they have found a replacement for Rosie yet). If he has died (or has stopped talking), I would recommend selling him (or his body) to science. Then take the money and buy another dog (I would recommend a cat), or an iPod is always fun. I hope this advice helps you.

-- Dr. Fello

Dr. Fello To Get Boot, Dr. Jello Next In Line

Dr. Nello:

Why hasn't Dr. Fello posted anything yet? I think you should fire him.

-- Dr. Nellophant

Dear Dr. Nellophant:

I'm not quite sure what happened to Dr. Fello, but I can tell you this, he isn't turning out to be a very good assistant. I'll give him another week, and if he still hasn't come up with anything, he's going the way of Nurse Chris.

In the meantime, I have quite a long list of applicants waiting to fill this auspicious position. So say hello to:


Dr. Rita Shaqquitlique Jello!

Let's hope she does better than the last one.

-- Dr. N

Comments Blocked

Doc:

I have been having trouble posting comments on your site. This is a problem because although I am extremely clever (I make myself laugh all the time) I also am very forgetful. This is an asset at times, such as when I watch a rerun of a mystery show, like Sherlock Holmes; the ending is always a surprise for me. However, when I write a comment and then can't post it, I promptly forget what I've said and may not be quite as clever the next time. Can you please fix your site so that none of my cleverness is lost?

Have you asked your mom to fill in for nurse Chris in his/her absence? Or is she over-qualified?

-- Frustrated in My Own Mind

Dear FiMom:

You probably just got blocked by our SpaMomKiller software, which prevents junk posts from reaching our inboxes (generally friend requests, advertisements, and posts about mothers). Unfortunately, the occasional junk post will slip by, and other times good posts are misinterpreted as junk messages. We did recently upgrade our software, so hopefully this has solved your problem.

As for Nurse Chris, Nurse Chris and I are currently discussing Nurse Chris's position as my assistant (due mainly to reader pleas). As previously reported, Dr. Fello has been hired on a temporary basis, and his first email response is expected soon. However, before any final decisions are made regarding Nurse Chris, there's quite a line of other applicants that require my attention.

-- Dr. N

Ffuts Yadhtrib Erom

Dear Doctor:

I am turning 18 next Friday and I am worried sick about it for several reasons. Reason one is that for my 16th and 17th birthdays my parents neglected to buy me a car and they have already let me know that I shouldn't expect one. Now some people may think that they are just telling me that so they can surprise me, but my parents have never been the kind of people for pleasant surprises. Should I just leave my parents and go live on my own? I understand you may not be able to answer this part of my letter because you yourself never had a mother.

Secondly, I am supposed to go away to college in the fall and, to put it frankly, I am not very smart. I have been able get by at the community college this year by buying papers, answers to tests and other such aids, but I cannot afford to continue this.

My third problem is that I can't get a girlfriend and probably never will be able to. I have no idea why though, as I am devilishly handsome and have a great personality. At first I thought my bed wetting and non-showering habits were the problem, but that would just be ridiculous. I thought maybe getting in shape would help me out, and I have tried the body spray by BOD called "Really Ripped Abs," but after 6 months I don't even have a six-pack! Is there anything I can do? And please, don't recommend religious life, they have already told me they would never accept me.

-- Running Out of Time

Dear Running:

At first I was afraid that I didn't answer this letter in time, but then I saw you said you turn 18 on Friday. This is ironic; did you realize that your birthday is the day after Nurse Chris's? When Friday comes, though, have a birthday! (A friend recently informed me that you should never say "have a happy birthday" because then you are forcing the person to have a happy one, and telling someone how to have their day is just rude.)

Your parents are completely unfair, but they are probably also old and therefore "not all there," which is a polite way of saying "crazy." However, this also means they are easily overwhelmed. Try reverse psychology on them. It works like this: record yourself saying "buy me a car" on a tape and softly play it backwards on a loop while they're sleeping. Walk backwards when you are around them, even wear your clothes backwards. Eventually your parents will look into a mirror, and everything that was backwards will suddenly become clear. The subliminal messages you played for them will be associated with your strange behavior, and they'll buy you a vehicle. (This really works, "em tsurt!" Oot, rac a em yub dna.)

You said you get by in college by paying your way, but are running out of money: if you've already eschewed ethics, why not turn to stealing? This way you'll never run out of money, and if you plan on transferring to a university, this will help with the rising tuition costs.

For the girlfriend deal, you have two options. First, try switching to TAG or AXE: their commercials promise quick results. Or, you could rethink what shape it is you're trying to get in. Have you considered a rhombus, a hexagon or even a dodecahedron? Some women prefer men with such original, creative shapes.

Hope I got 1 outta 3 right.

-- Dr. N

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NURSE CHRIS

Today is Nurse Chris's 18th birthday ... which may possibly lead to a rehirement ... a temporary rehirement ... possibly ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOCTOR NELLO

Today is Doctor Nello's 22nd birthday! Woo-hoo!

Oh what a joyous day! Here are a few of the wonderful things that happened:

The Facebook Team sent me a message: "From all of us on The Facebook Team, have a great day!"

Justinespired put up a special post.

I got six birthday cards!

Lots of presents ... refrigerator magnets, Cream of Wheat, mac'n'cheese, a stuffed dog, and Bacardi coconut rum.

My brother, my sister and her kids and a few friends came over for tacos, cupcakes and karaoke ... and I sold some gold records!

At midnight I passed the birthday torch on to Nurse Chris (see post above).

-- Dr. N

Dr. Fello

Dear Dr. Nello:

Let me introduce myself. I'm your fellow doctor, Dr. Fello. I'm actually a vet and I'm a friendly fellow to every animal (except dogs, let's just say I don't like them).

I found your blog while looking up some animalian diseases on DrMedipedia. I've always agreed with your advice you give to people, even though I've only been accustomed to working with animals. Since you fired Nurse Chris, I thought it would be a good time to introduce myself and hopefully become your trustworthy assistant! Please let me know what your decision is (I hope I'm your top candidate). If you want reach me by phone, call 1-800-DR-FELLO.

-- Dr. Fello

Dear Dr. Fello:

I do not wish to reach you by phone, but ... well, seeing as I haven't had any other acceptable applicants yet, I think I might go ahead and give you a trial run. I'll be forwarding you an email in the next couple days; your performance in answering it will determine whether I hire you full-time or terminate you.

I mean, terminate your position.

-- Dr. N

Moochers

Dr. Nello:

I live with some friends in an apartment, and usually things go fine. Lately, though, there's been an issue with food. We all pretty much buy our own food and label it (I always write funny things, like "I am cooler than all of you, and this bacon is mine"). I thought this only applied to food we bought and that leftovers didn't need such nomenclature. Well, I guess I was wrong. A friend baked me a pie, and I had a few slices. I went to eat it for breakfast the next morning and it was gone! All day today I was thinking about how wonderful my hamburger + macaroni and cheese was going to taste for dinner, seeing as I missed lunch; I checked the fridge and that too had been eaten! Now I would just label this stuff but it's usually in non-label-able containers. What do you suggest?

-- Empty Stomach

Dear Empty Stomach:

You would think everyone would know the unwritten rule of "Thou shalt not eat thy roommates food" and its corollary, "If thou must eat thy roommates food, make sure what you take is unnoticeable and NEVER take the last of something." As you have now come to understand, though, there are plenty of ignorant housemates out there. You've made a step in the right direction with labeling the food you can, but for the food you cannot, I recommend poison.

Not necessarily fatal poison but just something that will make the consumer nauseous. You'll have to sacrifice some of your leftovers but this will be well worth it. He who taketh your food now will surely learn his lesson. Another (less painful and also less fun) option is to purchase some green food coloring and make it appear that your food is moldy (or look like vegetables, both ways are good deterrents). Eventually your roommates will catch on, though, and it's also possible they'll throw your "moldy" food away.

Of course, you could just sit down with your roommates and discuss your feelings on this issue, but I think that's a stupid idea.

-- Dr. N

What's Up, Doc?

Doctor Nello:

You fired Nurse Chris ... why? What will become of your blog now? What will become of your movie/book/music deals? Are you hiring?

-- Akon Serndreeder

Dear Akon:

I am quite aware April Fool's is only on April 1st. It is Nurse Chris who is the fool!

Nurse Chris's inbox was overflowing with unanswered letters, and I needed Nurse Chris to answer these before I could post any myself. I repeatedly sent Nurse Chris memos, warnings and email forwards, but nothing seemed to work. Nurse Chris had to be let go.

The blog will still be the same extremely helpful advice column it's always been. I might someday get around to removing all the images of Nurse Chris scattered throughout this page, but that requires a lot of photoshop editing, which is not a top priority to me right now.

"Naked Death 8" will still be released, but the future of our autobiographictional movie is unclear. My attorneys, Nurse Chris and I are working on the book: we might split it into two separate books or bump up the release date. As for music, we were going to reveal information about our new band, but I am too frustrated right now to even think about how great N'n'N would have been.

I am actually looking for a new assistant (blogging is a lot of work!), and I'm going to post my specifications shortly. I can tell you this, though: I will not be hiring any mothers or gender-confused individuals.

-- Dr. N

APRIL FOOLS!

Apparently Dr. Nello didn't realize that April Fools Day is only supposed to be on April 1st, not the whole month! Everyone knows the site would crumble without the Nurse.

NURSE CHRIS FIRED!

Nurse Chris is no longer employed by Dr. Nello.

Dr. Nello says: "Nurse Chris was incredibly lazy when it came to this blog. Nurse Chris is un-assistantlike and un-American. I apologize to the few who are offended by this news, but this is something I should have done a long time ago."

It is unclear whether Dr. Nello will be hiring a new assistant to fill Nurse Chris's role. Check back for more updates.

NEW BOOK TO HIT SHELVES SOON

As drnello.blogspot.com nears it's third month anniversary, we are proud to display the cover art of the upcoming, previously mentioned book. "The Doctor Is In (And So Is His Nurse)" will show up in December, chronicling the best posts of this advice column, and will be available for preorder around the Christmas shopping season (July).

(For our inspiration this time, check out this link.)

Wash Hands or Get Worms

Dear Doctor and Nurse:

The other day, my family and I were driving around when a type of worm illness came into the conversation. My lovely mother was describing what the symptoms were, then said one that was rather sickening to hear. No one said anything about it. Then my father told a little more of what happens to you and said something equally disgusting. My mother was furious and told my father that was a horrible thing to say. I don't know who's to blame: my father because my he shouldn't have continued the issue, my mother for being a hypocrite, or the worm for even existing? Help!

-- Worried About Worms

Dear Worried:

It sounds like your parents have problems with TMI. Too much information, sadly, can have unintentionally disastrous results, which seems to be the case here. Instead of ensuring through fear that you will wash your hands after every bowel movement to prevent a worm infection, your parents have merely instilled a desire in you to not listen to them. Hopefully you already have an innate sense to cleanse yourself after numero duo. If not, don't block me out when I say WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER USING THE POTTY. (You'd think this would be obvious, but I witnessed many a dorm student leave a stall without stopping by the sink when I was in college!)

Here's another example of how TMI is just not helpful. Right now I am suffering from a rare disease that as-yet does not have a name (I'm thinking perhaps "iphelicrappola"). This disease is one of the worst known to humanity. It started out as a horribly sore throat, which progressed into a terribly horrible sore throat that goes down through my chest. I lie in bed with three blankets, a sleeping bag and a wool sweater and shiver uncontrollably. I cannot sleep for more than an hour at a time because I wake up in such agony. If I do happen to temporarily fall asleep, I wake up drenched in sweat. My nose is clogged, and when it's not clogged it's bleeding. My saliva is so thick that if I try to spit I just get a long line of drool hanging from my lip and have to manually remove it. And ever since I got this rare, excruciating, nearly fatal disease, I have not been able to swallow once without wincing.

After reading that paragraph, I wanted you to simply be more informed about iphelicrappola so you can take care not to catch it yourself. Unfortunately, though, you're probably feeling very sympathetic for me and desire to send me get-well-soon cards, presents and money. (Either that or you're feeling sick yourself.)

So remember two things: don't give TMI, and wash your hands.

-- Dr. N

MOVIE WITH DOCTOR AND NURSE COMING SOON

Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris finished filming for the upcoming eighth installment of the acclaimed Naked Death series. Like the other seven films, this one promises extended nudity and violence.


The plot is a well guarded secret of the film company, but we are told that it involves Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris, a banana, a knife and a mystery.

Dear Flabby stars in this film as well (although Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris point out that her role is much smaller).


Originally subtitled "Murder, Au Naturale," the title is now simply "Naked Death 8."
(If you don't understand the artwork, click here to see the album that inspired this poster. For posters of the previous seven films, click on this (1), this (2), this (3), this (4), this (5), this (6) or this (7). Website coming soon!)

Owl Howl

Dear Dr. Nello:

I've noticed that some of the questions you have gotten lately are downright foolish. They have been a waste of my time to read, and no doubt have been a waste of your time to answer. Can a man of your credentials and busy schedule really have the time to devote to those who need brain transplants or have severe social disorders brought on, no doubt, by being younger members of large families? Tell me are there no minimum standards on your notable blogsite? Please continue to answer all questions on cats and arranged marriages and those sent in by women, mothers or homeschoolers as these are always of general interest.

-- A Wise Old Owl

Dear WOO:

This letter was received a while back, but due to an evil email snafu we were unable to answer it until now. As I'm sure you're quite aware, the quality of our posts has improved since you sent this. It is true, for a short while there we were putting forth subpar posts. (Then again, if you're below par in golf, doesn't that mean you're scoring well?) For confidentiality reasons, I can't point out particular posts that we grudgingly replied to, but I'm sure you can pick them out.

When I say our posts were below average, though, I must also point out while they were below average for this blog, they were far superior to most other advice columns.

At that time, we were going through an email shortage. We are actually investigating this: recent evidence indicates that one of our competitors (we'll call her "Dear Flabby") actually hacked into our account and was blocking incoming messages. Due to the shortage, we were forced to revisit old rejected emails. As these emails had less interesting topics, the replies were unfortunately also less interesting.

But this was a long time ago. Since then our email account has been flooded with emails and we're doing our best just to keep up! At your request, I will continue to deny emails from homeschooling mothers with cats.

-- Dr. N

2(Tall) + 4(Grad School) = 1^(Loneliest #)

Nurse Chris:

I recently won what I considered to be a "major award" but it seems as if nobody else cares. I waited and waited for family and friends to either a.) call and congratulate me, or b.) show up as they said they would to the ceremony, but neither happened.

My concern is that I move forward in my life and continue down a path of increased academic specialization that I am learning more and more about less and less, and eventually I will know everything about nothing.

What advice would you give me? I would appreciate it greatly if any insights you have and/or recommendations you will make could be expressed in a mathematical expression or formula, for that is how I prefer to communicate with other people.

-- Learned, Lanky and Lonely

Dear Lonely:

I'm sorry to tell you this, but responding to your letter in an equation would only worsen your condition. I can tell from the way you type that you are the tallest person in your family by at least a quarter of a man, and this makes you uncomfortable around other people, mostly because you have to bend over to communicate with them. Without realizing it, you have completely separated yourself from the rest of mankind and turned to numbers to find friends.

That is why nobody seemed to notice after you won your award. People are so used to your solitude that while they may have told you they would come to the ceremony, they figured you wouldn't even notice their absence. A second possibility is that years ago, family members used to offer you "treats" but you ignored them and this is their way of getting back at you.

About your problem of learning everything about nothing, I have good and bad news. The good news is that you have realized you have a problem, the bad news is, you are so far gone, it will be hard for you to get back on track. They say knowledge is power, but in reality, knowledge can ruin your life. People become absorbed with learning, and soon enough learn the basics of everything that is important. So they decide to specialize, learning more and more. But how in depth can you go on one subject? Specialized education is a slippery slope, and as you learn more about nothing, you begin to forget the important things in life, and become lonely.

Your condition cannot be reversed naturally, so I suggest counseling to help get your life back on track.

-- Nurse Chris