Dr. Nello

The Final Letter

2011-07-11T17:39:00.002-04:00

Dear Doctor Nello:

Are you really done? Was that Barbara Walters interview for realz?

-- Readers

Dear Readers, all six of you:

After over four years of tireless work, I am retiring. Don't cry for me, it's just the time to end this. It's been a fun ride, but now Nurse Chris is undergoing counseling after living his life as Lady PhiPhi, Dr Jello is not fat anymore (so her alter ego, Dear Flabby, is officially gone), and Dr Fello is in that big veterinarian clinic in the sky.

The blog may be on haitus, perhaps permanently, but we can still enjoy the good memories we've made over the years.

My last piece of advice (assuming I really don't pick this up again):

"Always accept gum when someone offers it to you."

Blah blah blah.

-- Dr N.

BARBARA WALTERS INTERVIEWS NELLO AND NURSE

2011-07-10T18:21:00.000-04:00

PROBLEMATIC PICS

2011-06-18T06:45:00.010-04:00

Late last night, scandalous photos of Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris/Lady PhiPhi were leaked online. Initially denied by Dr. Nello as a "prank," new details have since emerged, and a filthy scandal is attached to the medical wunderkind and androgynous pop star.

A topless photo of a man holding a sign that says "3M" is rumored to be a self-taken snapshot of the doctor, perhaps intended for a fan via private message. When asked if the photo was of Dr. Nello, he stated: "I cannot say with certainty that is me in that image." He later clarified, "Keep in mind, I drink a lot."

3M has denied any involvement in this event, though a company spokesman did say, "That man looks tan. He must have been at the beach."

A second photo was also leaked, and it appears to be of an unsavory body location, though experts say it may have been doctored (no pun intended). It is rumored that Lady PhiPhi, formerly known as Nurse Chris, is the hottie in this shottie. Lady PhiPhi merely growled when pressed on the issue.

Dr. Nello has announced that he will hold a interweb press conference in the near future addressing this issue, unless he doesn't.

haxxored

2011-06-17T23:15:00.000-04:00

My Car is Trying to Kill Me

2011-05-20T19:53:00.006-04:00

Dear Dr Nello:

My car has been having some problems over the past few years, with various parts failing (rear defrost, windshield wiper, window motors, hummervalve, etc). Recently, I had a major issue when one of my wheels fell off when I was driving my morbidly obese niece to "Take a Jerk to Work Day." Luckily I had pulled over before the wheel came off, but I could have died.

Although my niece is extremely overweight and it was the front passenger wheel (where she was sitting) I would've thought the car should've been able to handle such pressure without popping off the tire. Do you think my car is trying to kill me?

-- Scared of My Vehicle

Dear Scared:

I don't think your car is trying to kill you, I think God is trying to give you a hint. Though you are probably a very handsome fellow with decent photography skills and a working knowledge of Italian romantic phrases, you have some slight faults that are holding you back from getting a wife. Maybe it's the fact you didn't get accepted to a Top 5 business school, you "left the system" in sixth grade, you wear a black tie with brown shoes or you have a barely noticeable scar on your cheek. These are all things that are preventing you from marrying a super hott chick, and what you need to win this fine woman is a flashy new car.

You probably have wanted a new car for years, but have yet to really do anything about this, and God is telling you to move your butt. If you won't buy a new car unprovoked, he's going to destroy your current one to force you.

I hear the bank has a good deal on loans if you buy by May 31. Good luck!

-- Dr. N

The Handoff Pt II

2011-04-26T00:00:00.002-04:00

... and 22.

The Handoff Pt I

2011-04-25T23:59:00.002-04:00

26 ...

Media Bloggers Association

2011-03-29T20:40:00.000-04:00

Dr. Nello:

When you join the HBS Class of 2013, how will you introduce yourself to your new classmates?

-- Harvey Ard, Dean of the University

Dear Harv:

Normally, when I introduce myself, I go by my nickname "Franz." However, when I join HBS'11, I'm going by my full name, Franziskaner. I prefer Franziskaner, but saying "Dr. Franziskaner O'Nello" is quite a mouthful, which is why I simplify it to "Franz Nello."

Now that I'm taking the next life step towards yet another degree, I want to be seen as mature and grown up. Gone are the days of tormenting nephews, forcing them on scary ferris wheels. No more crazy haircuts. Definitely won't be hanging out with these two.

JUST KIDDING. Of course I'll be my same awesome self, but I will be going by Franziskaner.

-- Dr. N

Calisthenics Consult

2011-03-24T12:35:00.001-04:00

Dear Dr Nello:

I'm starting some new jazzercises, and my company sent out a safety message saying we need to consult our physicians before starting any new routines. I don't have my own doctor right now, so I'm asking if I can consult you.

Basically my exercise routine can be summed up by these photos.

What's your advice?

-- Jake Boddiebuy

Dear Jake:

What I see looks good, you're off to a great start. Some recommendations:

You have an exercise ball, now get a medicine ball. These are fun to throw at unsuspecting friends because medicine balls are deceptively heavy. If you can't afford one, or aren't strong enough to lift one, buy a regular bouncy ball and pop some pills. (My favorite drug is Vicodin, and I can sell you some if you want. Act fast, it expires in 2012!)

Grunt, grunt, grunt. Not only will this help you get that extra oomph you need, it will let everyone know how strong you think you are, and that counts for something.

Cardio! Take a spinning class, which I'm pretty sure is where you put your arms out and spin around in circles like a top. Other good workouts include Xtreme Hopscotch, keyboarding and power sitting. You can also elevate your heart rate by watching a scary movie like "Bambi III: Man's Revenge."

Good luck.

-- Dr. N

Helpful Haikus

2011-03-22T09:44:00.001-04:00

Dear Lady PhiPhi:

My Happy Hour last night turned unhappy when my friends put me to be in charge of organizing a group trip to a place of ill moral repute. I suppose I might be willing to compromise my principles if they wanted this event on a Saturday, but they're looking to go on Tuesday night. What should I do?

-- Sad Sir at a Mad Mex

Sad Sir:

Why are you upset?
Morals are overratted
But here's some advice.

Instead of the club
Lead them to the library
A quite clever trick!

Claim an allergy
To smut and stupidity
If you are too weak.

This probem, your friends
There can be one solution:
Kiss them or kill them.

-- Lady PhiPhi

WAOSCI

2011-03-20T21:28:00.000-04:00

Doctor Nello:

Can you please tell me if your office provides non-invasive type treatments for wrinkles, anti-aging, and other skin care issues?

Thanks in advance.

-- Eric Kusher, CT

Dear Eric:

We pride ourselves in having the #2 least invasive WAOSCI treatment center in the country, behind only James Hopkins (younger brother of John, curse him!). Only seven patients have "not come out of surgery alive" the entire time we've been in business, giving us a non-death success rate that rounds up to 90% (when rounding up to the nearest 90%).

Let me give you some examples of how we take care of WAOSCI.

Wrinkles: we use state-of-the-art irons to smooth out unsightly wrinkles. Our secret technique? Using round irons instead of flat irons you'd find at most dermatology practices (dermatologists, like chiropractors, being fake "doctors").

Anti-aging: using a blend of all natural, organic ingredients in our trademarked recipe, we've developed a special concoction that, when ingested, is guaranteed to take years off your life!

Other Skin Care Issues: this is where we really put the "ninvasi" in "non-invasive!" Take, for example, a patient with small melanoma on the tip of his nose. Most surgeons would invade the nasus from the outside, leaving a pockmark, a hurt nose-tip, and quite possibly severe damage to the patient's psyche after such a terrifying procedure! At our practice, however, we specialize in internal medicine -- that is, we approach the nose from the inside. Making a minor incision through the back, about 10" wide, we insert a series of tubes and coils on a path through the entire circulatory and lymphatic systems. Using an inversion table, electrodes and holistic hallucinogens, there are several more steps, but I don't want to give away all our surprises! Just know that in the end, that mole is gone and the patient is statistically likely to be fully alive.

If a patient desires, we offer free tattooing to disguise scarred tissue due to the surgery. For example, we can add extra curves to the patient's back, turning the scar into a second butt. And who doesn't want a second butt?

I hope, by answering your questions, you strongly consider our practice for your WAOSCI needs!

-- Dr. N

LadyNurse

2011-03-15T23:19:00.003-04:00

Dear Doctor:

I often correct people when their behavior is inappropriate, making bad career moves, watching stupid TV shows or saying "where are you at?" instead of "where are you?".

I like to think this makes me a caring person, but lately I've been called "judgmental." Is this true? Is what I'm doing wrong?

Also, I want to point out that you really should have posted Part IV to your 4th Anniversary. What gives?

-- Care Bear

Dear CB:

Part of your problem, I'm guessing, is that you are not saying "no offense ..." when you correct people. This is a very important phrase; it commands the listener to not take offense at what you are saying. It is illegal for someone to be offended by your correction.

The other part of your problem is that you are not embracing the joys of judgmentalism. It's fun to rank yourself superior to others! One of my favorite forms of judging is silent judging (it can be deadly).

Judging is led me to the missing Nurse Chris, by the way...

To make a long story short, I was reprising my usual role judging the 52nd Miss Semi-Beauty Pageant/Triathalon in Kazakhstan. An oddly-shaped contestant arrived on stage, introduced as Lady PhiPhi. Mumbling "Baby I was born this way, baby I'm a firework, so raise you're glass because I'm freaking perfect," she sang such a beautiful ode to the days of the week.

We we we we were all moved to tears, but there was something familiar about this golden-voiced brunette. Turns out Nurse Chris has been living a double life as the nouveau diva Lady PhiPhi, and has decided, for the time being, to continue his career in music and extend his hiatus from my practice. While I'm saddened to be without my business partner of four years, I wish him the best in his endeavors. I also judge him for his insistence on dressing like a woman.

(4th Anniversary: Part IV is delayed till April for our 4 Year, 3 Month, 2 Week, 1 Day Anniversary.)

-- Dr. N

4th and £950,000.00

2011-01-09T15:06:00.005-05:00

4th Annivesary Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Doctor.Nello@gmail.com:

Your Mail-ID has been awarded £950,000.00 Pounds in our Mercedez-Benz promo. Send your

1.Name.............
2.Address..........
3.Phone/No.........
4.Country..........

-- Nelson Manuel Garcia Acuna

Dear NMGA:

Thank you, this must be some sort of 4th Anniversary Congratulations present! With such a generous reward, I must give something back to Mercedes-Benz. I'll share my recipe for an amazing salad I recently made. Spinach leaves, multi-berry craisins, sugar & cinnamon almonds, feta cheese, apple slices and lime coated chicken. Oh, it was so good!

Wait a minute -- your initials, NMGA, remind me of the word "eNiGMA." In fact, your name is an anagram for "Enigma Loaner Cancans Luau"! This either means you are a scam artist, or you are mysteriously giving me money at a surprise Cancan Luau anniversary celebration. I'll assume it's the latter, but while I appreciate the effort, I won't be able to attend due to a prior engagement.

-- Dr. N

4th and 26

2011-01-08T14:20:00.003-05:00

4th Annivesary Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Doctor Nello:

Happy Anniversary! It's amazing to think that you and (the sadly now missing) Nurse Chris have been doing such a magnanimous humanitarian service for four years. Merci beaucoup!

With another year under your 32" belts, you must have added another year to your age as well. This happens to most people each year, including myself. I get excited each time this happens, but friends of mine get depressed as they get older, and we are only in our twenties. Apparently, they believe this to be the best decade of our lives, and it's all downhill from here.

I'm turning 26 in a few months -- is this something I should look forward to, or fear?

Thanks, buddy. Hope you find your Nurse Chris!

-- Quarter-Centenarian

Dear Quarter-Cent,

Your friends are ridiculous; how could your twenties be the best decade of your life? Obviously, the best decade is your nineties, though unfortunately many people do not make it to see them. When you're 90-something, you're big shishya.

You can hide from your birthday if you wish to slow your aging process, like Telly tried to hide from the New Year on Sesame Street. I accidentally did this -- twice -- which is how I graduated college "early." Realizing I wanted to make it to 90 so I could enjoy the best years of my life, I crammed my 20th, 21st and 22nd years into one to get back on the normal age path. Who knows, I may do this again, and then repeat a few years when I'm in my 90s to fully appreciate that age range.

Look forward to your birthday, and thanks for remembering our anniversary. Who knows if Nurse Chris will be found; honestly, he is a quickly-fading memory. I am not even sure there ever was a Nurse Chris.

-- Dr. N

4th and 40th

2011-01-07T20:51:00.004-05:00

4th Anniversary Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Dear Dr Nello:

Happy fourth anniversary! My letter is also about an anniversary: my parents' fortieth. My mom and dad raised ten of us kids, and they'd like us to all get together in June to celebrate with them. We're having trouble figuring out what to do and where to go: getting a beach house in North Carolina, a farm retreat in New York, protesting the president in Virginia, Virginia or gang-fighting in Ohio.

There have been a few squabbles on Facebook over this, and I fear, come June, it will be a disaster. Can you help us so that we can pull this off and still speak to each other afterwards?

-- Numero Sette

Dear #7:

Thank you for your well wishes on our anniversary, but I regret to inform you that your get-together will in fact be a disaster. I do not know your family, so I will make up names for each sibling, and here is what I envision happening:

"Juniper" will come with seven children but leave with six, only four of which are her own, and all will be spanked soundly.

"Janessa" will bring her own Porta-Potty and introduce "peanut-butternut-squash fudge," which will quickly end up in said Porta-Potty.

"Thor" will not smile in any picture and make fun of other's dress while wearing Crocs and confessing to not owning a single pair of jeans.

An uninvited homeless man will be turned away, but it is revealed this is actually "Lareasha" who has not showered or shaved in a week.

"Dwayne" will tell everyone about the amazing product he sells at work, the "Comfort Wipe," and publicly demonstrate its use.

"Anemone," in charge of getting the caterer, will only get seven salami slices for the entire family to share, but secretly eat them herself.

"Miroslav" will pay to opt out and go to Europe, but no one will notice he is missing. However, he will still be in charge of photoshopping the family picture.

"Voldemort" will tell dirty stand-up jokes. He will then reveal that he is in fact homeless and has been living in Juniper's van for three weeks.

"Chayse" will bring his "friend" Maurice. Every time Chayse holds a baby niece or nephew, a peculiar smell will be noticed, and yet the child's diaper is always dry.

"Riannon" will be mistaken for grandchild. At her piano recital/art show, her siblings will cover their eyes and ears and throw-up in the Porta-Potty.

Your mom will tell longs stories about the cat, not realizing one of your siblings ran it over that morning, and your dad will fall asleep in the corner, finally getting his peace and tranquility.

Initially planning to renew their wedding vows, your parents' marriage will stunningly be put "on hold" until the government allows "equality for all."

Enjoy!

-- Dr. N

An Affair to Forget

2010-12-28T15:38:00.004-05:00

Dear Dr. Nello:

When my husband goes to work, I go to the neighbor's and bring a kitten home for the day. This has been going on for several weeks, and I'm afraid that there might be talk in the neighborhood. The sweet thing is a stray and needs a home.

This is the closest I've gotten to cheating on my husband and I like it -- a lot. Do you think I would be a good candidate for having an affair? Please advise.

-- Married to an Ogre

Dear M2aO:

Are you talking about cats? This is insane. Cats are only sweet when cooked, not caressed. I am going to pretend you are instead claiming to have an affair with a black dwarf-rabbit named "Bruno."

Anyone can be a candidate for an affair, you just need to do some proper planning. Assuming you are a mother, you can get good at cheating by playing board games with your children. A good example is "Monopoly," in which you can be the banker and take a few extra $100s when no one is looking. Mothers are notorious for cheating at games.

You will also need a good alibi for what you were doing with your time when you and Bruno go for walks on the grassy knoll, as your husband is bound to come home or call on his lunch break some day when you are not around. You should claim to start a new, impromptu activity, like:

1) Professional Mourner - randomly attend funerals of people you don't know (people are always dying).

2) Bird Feeder - throw loaves of bread at local fowl in the nearby park (requires hiking and may lead to an affair with the birds).

3) Pencil Vendor - import twig pencils from Poland and sell them for profit on the streets (these are a hot commodity; you'll make some good money!).

I hope this helps, but if it doesn't I'm not too disappointed.

-- Dr. N

Thorax Side Airbag

2010-11-18T22:24:00.002-05:00

Dear Dr Nello:

My son is flying to Europe and I just know that he wants me to go with him. He's never directly asked me and has even stated most emphatically that he doesn't want me to come, but with my motherly intuition I know he really wants me to come. Getting my passport expedited will be the easy part. It's the airport security that's my problem.

For a 62 year old former beauty, I can still still hold my own in a crowd of elderly men. Nonetheless, as most Americans I've never been photographed naked and would prefer not to go that route now. I've never even been naked in a hospital. They supply you with gowns which provide modesty of a sort. Alone in the shower is as far as I take my nudity. I know when the Jews entered the concentration camps they were paraded naked before the Nazis who were going to execute them. Just because the TSA isn't necessarily going to kill us, is it OK to be naked scanned and maybe have the image saved? If so I will refuse to autograph my picture.

Do you suggest submitting to the groping pat down? I'm very ticklish and this could get weird. My sister recently flew from Canada, being fair skinned and blue eyed she looked suspicious and was groped with her blouse being raised and her stomach exposed. My stomach would be the envy of a starving person; however, I'm afraid that all this body touching is unsanitary and I would be at risk of bring home bedbugs or something else awful.

I'm concerned for my boy also. What if the same-sex patter-downer likes men too much? What if they use a woman who would get too friendly? He shouldn't have to travel leaving his modesty in the airport lobby.

What's a mother to do? Please respond promptly, we will be leaving right after Thanksgiving.

-- Doting

Dear Dottie:

First, let's get this straight: although I have never had a mother, I know when a son says he doesn't want to travel with his mom, he means it. Trust me, it is not a good idea to push him to the breaking point with threatening travel plans. Do, however, buy his minor admiration with Christmas presents.

I will now channel the weakened mentality of my missing compadre, Nurse Chris. The following thoughts are not my own, they are of Chabizzle shimself:

"Embrace your nudity! The TSA wants to see you nude? You should be flattered. Most people would have to pay others to look at them naked, and you get a freebie!

If you still mistakenly feel ashamed of your body, do a dance. Dancing releases endolphins into the atmosphere, which make you and anyone else who osmisifies them happy. Plus, moving quickly by shaking like a Quaker will blur the recorded image on the body scanner. A word of warning: I have heard a rumor that, on occasion, the TSA and the TVGuide sometimes cross wires, and your x-ray might end up being the in-flight movie.

In addition, I suggest counseling."

Nurse Chris is weird. Instead of following his advice, opt for the enhanced pat downs. A common misconception is thinking you are to stand still and follow the security agent's orders. Really, it's a game with witheld rules: Patty-Cake-Down. When the agent reaches out his hands for your nethernation, slap his hands back and start chanting "Miss Mary Mack." It's actually quite fun, and I don't know why there are so many complaint news stories out now.

If your son is old enough to travel for business, he can handle himself and his modesty. If a man is hitting on him, he should take advantage and get free stuff like wine bottles or magazine subscriptions, as long as it doesn't lead to a gwedding. If a woman is crushing on him, just set out an extra plate for Thanksgiving.

-- Dr. N

Cracing Costume

2010-11-12T17:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Doctor Nello:

I didn't dress up for Halloween this year, carve a pumpkin or eat a single piece of candy. I'm pretty upset with myself for my lack of holiday spirit. I just had a great idea for what costume I could have come up with: I'm on crutches from recent surgery, and I could have been a marathon racer! How hilarious would that have been? I mean, you can't run a marathon on crutches! And the costume would have been simple, I'd just need to slap a big number on my t-shirt and throw on my stylish sweat bands.

Is it too late to use this costume idea in 2010? Diwali, the Indian Halloween, has also come and gone, and I'm not sure what opportunities I'll have between now and the end of the year to dress up.

-- Crippled and Costumeless

Dear C&C:

First of all, don't mock crutch racing, or "cracing." This sport is quickly gaining popularity, especially due to the annual "Crace for the Cure." We are not sure what the cure is, or what it is for, but we are cracing to find it.

I approve of your costume choice, and it is not too late to use it this year. You could always throw a "theme party," but if you're not of that persuasion, you have two days in December. Dec 3 is the International Day of Disabled People, a perfect time to celebrate your handicappity. Dec 9 is Halloween in December, which looks rockin'!

Let me know how it turns out, and if you want to donate to "Crace for the Cure," send me money and I'll make sure it gets to the right place.

-- Dr. N

Can't Stand Canadians

2010-11-09T18:54:00.000-05:00

Doctor Doctor:

When I was in Europe, I was told by a Canuck I should put a maple leaf patch on my backpack. He was convinced Europeans hate Americans, and pretending I was Canadian would protect me. I don't like this thinking for two reasons: 1) I like being American, and 2) I don't want to be Canadian. You've been to Europe several times; what's your advice?

-- Undeniably Unitedstatesian

Dear UnUn:

It is a fact that Canadian accents are the most annoying in the universe, so why listen to what this fool? I've never had a problem traveling overseas, and this is because I am not an "ugly American." I am a "very handsome American."

It's not that Europeans hate Americans, it's that they dislike ugly people, so just don't be ugly.

I'd bet fifty Canadian bucks (USD$13) this guy is ugly, as he is from Canada, in which case he is probably hated by Europeans himself.

-- Dr. N

Pancakes, Perhaps Poison, Pose Problem

2010-11-06T11:13:00.004-04:00

Dear Dockello:

This morning, I was excited. I had butter, milk, eggs and pancake mix simultaneously for the first time in over a year. I was going to make the best blueberry pancakes of the week, but I was crestfallen to discover the expiration date on the mix occurred three months ago.

I've heard a rumor that expired pancake mix can be poisonous, especially to young men, which is what I consider myself to be. What should I do? I don't want to die, but I'm very hungry and in the mood for flapjacks.

-- Starving in Suburbia

Dear Ving Urbi:

Don't let your crest fall. Poison is an old wive's tale, like allergies or glucose intolerance. It's psychosomatic, which means you'd have to be psycho to believe it could harm you. Expiration dates were invented by the government to scare citizens into buying more when their food is perfectly good. It's all a scheme to support Big Food, Big Government and Big Bird.

If' don't believe me and are afraid to use the "expired" product, you have another choice: make your own mix! You say you have milk, eggs and butter; there are only a few other ingredients needed for PPM. You'll need salt, flour and baking powder. These ingredients, while common, may not be on hand at your house, but there are some simple substitutions you can make.

Baking powder can be replaced with baking soda at a 1:4 ratio, but you must use buttermik. If you forgot to buy a botte of buttermilk, you can bypass this with 1 tbsp balsamic-less vinegar blended with each cup of milk, biding 5 minutes before adding the next ingredients.

Sugar substitutes salt, if the sweetness has been substantially sucked out.

Flour ("fluer") is french for "flower," which means you can fix your flapjack formula with fine flakes of fresh forsythia.

As I'm running out of steam for alliterations, let me just summarize by saying that baking is not a science; anything goes, and as long as you have heart, it'll turn out great!

-- Dr. N

i x i

2010-11-04T17:25:00.001-04:00

D-Nell:

What is i squared? +1 or -1?

The worst part about this is that I am asking so I can teach my student! Pray for him. And me.

-- Roots in Rochester

Dear Chester:

I² is when we say something like "I myself" or "me me me, my my my, now now now." It is modern-day shorthand expression that stresses the importance of oneself. It is especially use to show relation to others, such as i² >> u = "I am so much greater than you." This type of notation is most often found on the internet and textual transmissions. It is prevalent among web/phone-enthusiasts like teenagers and, unfortunately, Facebook moms (EPIC FAILS).

Chances are your student, therefore, is already familiar with this term, and there shouldn't be a need for you to teach him. As for whether it is a positive or a negative expression, let's try a thought expiriment: If I hold myself high importance, then i² must give me a positive feeling. If I view myself lowly, then I do not find much importance in myself, and i² does not exist. But, as I am thinking, "I think, therefore, i²," so we have a contradiction. The only way for i² to exist is for it to be positive (+1).

Unless, of course, you are referring to the imaginary number i = √-1, in which case i² = -1, but let's get real.

-- Dr. N

These Dreams

2010-11-01T21:11:00.007-04:00

DeaR DoK:

Lately I've had some strange dreams, and these, surprisingly, are not linked to my Vicodin addiction. One dream in particular had me yelling at my mother over a money dispute.

I had Dream Mom pick up smoke detectors following a dream fire in my dream basement. Dream Mom asked me to pay her back, but her list of debts inlcuded art supplies, insulin syringes and furniture she bought for her own house.

This ridiculousness set me off on an obscenity-laced tirade, where I not only got her to cry, but my father and wimpy brother as well. Nurse Chris showed up and and wept shimself.

When I awoke, I was proud of myself for boldly taking a stand against my tyrannical family. Moments later, I lost that feeling, because I fell back asleep.

How should I feel about this dream? While it felt good to fantasize about four-letter word flip-outs, I ... probably shouldn't?

-- *!@#-Dreamer

Dear Dr. Eamer:

No need to feel shame or remorse at all! That's the beauty of dreams: in addition to flying, dreams allow us to vent our frutrations at our family and friends over both real-world and dream-world issues. I encourage you to not only embrace these nocturnal vulgarity visions, but increase their frequency.

It's pretty simple to do. Dreams are our brains replaying memories from our subconcious, combined with alien transmissions and whatever happened in the plot of Inception (I still haven't seen it).

Because the only part of dreams we can control is our memories, we need to influence them. Write down a list of all the bad words you know and leave the notepad on your nightstand. Even if this doesn't influence your dreams, it will expand your vocabulary. As you lie in bed, think about the people who are causing you grief in the real world, like your mother, frenemies, coworkers or Sims character.

Wear headphones and listen to Heart's "These Dreams" (so you dream), Cee-Lo's "Forget You" (a censored song about swearing), and LaRoux's "Bulletproof" (one of those weird electropop songs that will ensure your dream is vivid). You'll feel such relief when you express your grief in your dream, peppered with profanity.

It's interesting that Nurse Chris would show up in your dream -- perhaps he has entered another dimension? He is still legally missing, and it's worrying me, because I'm afraid I won't be getting back that $20 he owes me.

-- Dr. N

That That That

2010-10-30T11:20:00.001-04:00

Dear Sir:

You're decent with the English language, right; how do you feel about the word "that"? I feel it is extremely overused. For example, I could have said "I feel that it is very overused", or even "I could have said that I feel that that is overused." I try to eliminate that word wherever possible.

Here's another example: I'm helping a friend write the sentence "I told him [that] I am tired." I removed the bracketed word, but other "editors" have reinserted it. Can you back me up that the sentence was fine how it was?

Maybe I underuse "that." It's hard to google the proper usage of "that" because it's too common of a word, and I only get results for "that vs which."

-- Marlon Brando Appleton, III

Dear MBA3:

Could you say "doctor" instead of "sir"? It's just a thing. I worked so hard to get that title. I'd appreciate it.

As for the "t-word," it surely is overused. A simple writing guide: if a sentence works without a word, don't use it. Shakespeare famously wrote "brevity is the soul of all the world's stages" in his play Henry XXII. If a word is not embellishing a setence but merely taking up space, remove it! (Eg, "due to the fact" reduces to "due to," and "what I do do is" reduces to "doo doo.")

You'll find when you put this rule into practice the "t-word" is never necessary. All sentences work quite well without it! This may seem incorrect, but it's just because we're so used to using the "t-word" in everyday speech, we feel it's necessary to use in writing.

An example of poor writing:

"I think that man over there is sad now that he no longer has that dog that made him so happy."

An example of good writing:

"I think man over there is sad now he no longer has dog made him so happy."

See the improvement? To quote Shakespeare again, "All glistens in not gold."

If you don't believe me and feel you must use "that," here's a quick lesson on "that vs witch." "That" is masculine and "witch" is feminine, as in "Dr. Fello, that frumpus," and "Dear Flabby, the witch!"

-- Dr. N

Pistol Politics and Palin's Phone

2010-10-29T22:33:00.006-04:00

Dear Dr Nezlo:

On November 2, gun owners and hunters have an historic opportunity to make sure that our Second Amendment rights are protected.

To do that, we need to elect candidates who will oppose gun bans, ammunition bans, and gun owner licensing and registration.

Pat Toomey and Tom Corbett will stand up for our Second Amendment rights and hunting heritage. We need Pat Toommey in the US Senate and Tom Corbett in the Governer's Mansion.

Vote Pat Toomey for US Senate.
Vote Tom Corbett for Governor.

-- National Rifle Association

Dear Ed McCartan or Current Resident:

Anti-hunting extremist groups are trying to force the federal government to ban traditional hunting ammunition. And they just may succeed.

Anti-hunting politicians are already trying to strip away your hunting rights. They are trying to block access to your favorite hunting spot on public land. They are trying to pass laws to regulate how you can use your land. Now they are working to ban virtually all hunting ammunition.

Choose Jason Altmire on November 2nd. Jason Altmire will lead the fight against the anti-hunting extremists to protect your right to hunt. Jason Altmire has always stood up for gun owners and sportsmen, and we need him the Congress to protect our rights.

Jason Altmire has proven he will work to protect gun owners and hunters. All hunters and sportsment should vote for Jason Altmire.

Protect your Second Amendment rights and hunting heritage. On Election Day, Vote Jason Altmire for Congress.

-- Safari Club International

Dear NRA and SCI:

Let me start by saying that I too support gun rights. Without guns, would we even have a "Naked Death" film series? Normally, I would think Democrats and Republicans would have opposing viewpoints on gun rights. Republicans, as Tracy Jordan says, are for "less taxes, more guns, and eliminating the gun tax." Meanwhile, Democrats are wusses. However, here we have two Repubs and one Democ agreeing that my hunting heritage and Amendment #2 rights are at stake.

Unforuntately, I will not be lending my vote to any of these candidates, or either of these parties. After the lack of support for my own attempt at one day maybe staging a presidential run, I have given up on the "popular" candidates, and this year I am supporting Arlen Shestack. I am voting for him for all three positions: Representative, Senator and Governor. (I will be voting for Nader, as usual, for president.)

Also, Al Gore, please stop drunk dialing me from Sarah Palin's phone. I didn't want to talk to you at my CMU graduation, and I don't feel like catching up now either.

-- Dr. N

Asdf

2010-10-28T22:57:00.004-04:00

TgfrffTegtyxgfggfggftrTftFtftrhttegGgfgfggdgftffDtuet®tdtftrhftu:

Beth
Mom
Maew
Olmge

Uncle

Mri

Zaqzzxw ssdsxd zaxsxsxdcgddf. Fdesdzdzdssdsddsss isjshyjyxyhxfcfghcgfphhhhcvhfdc xcccccc x ccopop.

-- Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth:

I think that is a self-answering question.

-- Dr. N

Get A Job, or The Beginning of the End

2010-10-24T15:10:00.005-04:00

DrNello425:

Medical coders earn up to $35,000 per year! This is work available to you!

-- returns.198039225@hmm123owildthing.com

Dear Hymn 1:23:

Is this a subtle hint that I am malnourishing my provably legitimate medical degree by not answering a real letter since 2009? You seem to forget how busy my life has been; with my international seminars on tendon lengthening, my ongoing film career, and search for the once-dead, once-obese, gender-challenged Nurse Chris, who has been legally missing since May.

That, and I only just today remembered my password to this site.

For the next twenty days, I'll try to make up for lost time by posting every day, unless I don't. From now until the 12∂th letter, I'll give advice, entertain, paint and sketch, wrap up loose ends, find Nurse Chris and give this site a proper farewell sign-off, unless I don't.

Enjoy (if anyone reads this)!

-- Dr. N

Double Whammy

2010-04-26T14:25:00.005-04:00

Happy Birthday to the greatest doctor and nurse on this blog!

Gold + Silver, Drunk + Crunk.

3 YEARS, 3 DAYS - PART 3

2010-01-12T14:57:00.007-05:00

On this our third non-consecutive day of anniversary celebration, we bring to you dear readers an announcement:

After answering Letter 123, this blog will cease to be an advice column.

(We're up to 105 for those not keeping track.)

While the economy is forcing us to switch to a mostly Twlog for the time being, this is not the permanent direction of this website. What is our new format going to be? We have no idea at all. It's a new decade, anything goes! Maybe a vlog (video web log), maybe a collection of haiku, maybe a Nurse Chris lingerie store. Who can say ... only time.

3 YEARS, 3 DAYS - PART 2

2010-01-11T07:26:00.001-05:00

Blah.

3 YEARS, 3 DAYS - PART 1

2010-01-09T22:16:00.017-05:00

This blog has made it three years and three days ... which calls for three days of celebration! To start, today we're sharing pictures of our recent get together (the whole gang: Doctor Nello, Nurse Chris, Dr Jiggly Jello, Dear Flabby and D. Frances).

Tomorrow: something else, and the day after: another something else! It's crazy! It's random! We have no idea what's going on! Flying by the seat of our pants! Nurse Chris isn't wearing pants! (PS. To comment, you might have to click up top ... we still haven't finished setting up this new template. Blurgh.)

Time To Tweet

2009-12-02T20:47:00.006-05:00

Dockteur:

I can't believe you're not here anymore.

-- A Loyal Fan

Dear Loyal Fan:

Unfortunately, due to the economy and our frequent trips to Europe, Nurse Chris and I have not been able to post nearly as much as we used to. We tried to post at least one letter a month, but as avid readers are well aware, we missed June and November.

There is some good news, though. Our main competitor, Justin E. Spired, has quit the business. The Dr. Nello blog was started in January 2007 with the secret mission of bringing the downfall of Justin, and our mission has now been fulfilled.

While we have slowed down, we are not quitting. However, for the rest of the year, we will be changing our business model to something more fitting for these modern times of technology. Or rather, something more "twitting." Starting today, we will share and discover what’s happening right now, anywhere in the world. We know you're excited!

-- Dr. N

Sanitizer, Swines, Sneezes and Spaghetti

2009-10-31T08:22:00.006-04:00

Dear Doctor Nello:

Aren't you worried about swine flu, especially with your internation travel? We suggest you wear a mask on the plane. You don't want to get germs from fellow passengers.

-- Muddah and Fadduh

Dear M & F:

The only way I would wear a mask on a plane is if it were Halloween (which it is today, but not when I flew) or in the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure and the oxygen masks appear. Being a medical professional, I am not worried about this supposed "swine flew" disease. Besides, I carry a bottle of hand sanitizer with me. It is six ounces, which Italian security reminded is more than the maximum three ounces allowed before handing it back, and it kills germs just fine.

What bothers me more than catching the flu from fellow passengers is being expected to say "bless you" after one sneezes. Why do I have to say this phrase, especially when someone sneezes several times in a row or, like an older woman I know, fake sneezes several times in a row? After I get back from my November Roman Holiday with Nurse Chris I am going to start a letter-writing campaign to end this archaic practice.

Another bizzare tradition about sneezing is that we are supposed to cover our mouths when eating spaghetti, for fear that we will cause meatballs to roll and grow into spaghetti trees. This is ridiculous! My Nello's restaurant in New York is so successful because of my spaghetti tree that I get wealthy Russian businessmen to drop $52K in one night.

So I say, uncover your mouth, don't say gesundheit and simply soak in sanitizer.

-- Dr. N

MEETING OF THE MINDS

2009-09-30T19:34:00.003-04:00

Thief

2009-08-22T17:08:00.001-04:00

Dear Nurse Cheesehead:

A few months ago, my brother got Slurpees for himself and me, and of course, he did not buy the flavor I requested. In fact, he didn't buy them at all! He realized recently that, when talking to me on the phone about the Slurpees, he was distracted and walked out of the gas station minimart without paying. Should I turn him in? I doubt there's a reward and oil companies are evil anyway. Since being raised in a family with a "punish the offender and the one who tattles" strategy, I'm 24 years old and still don't know when tattling is appropriate.

-- I Wanted Frozen Coke, I Got Stolen Cherry

Dear IWFCIGSC,

Tattling is a sensitive subject. We all know what happened to Tattle Tale Tit, his tongue was split, and all the little dogs in town had a little bit. Now you mentioned that the oil companies are evil, this is very true, and their evil is two reasons not to do anything about this situation. First, They deserve to be stolen from. Second, they will No Doubt torture you (probably with Gwen Stefani). And third, is there anyway for us, being only human, to make the distinction of whether or not this is a tattle worthy offense? Obviously this decision has been made harder as your parents beat the sense of right and wrong out of you. Hopefully, you can show this letter to a sibling of yours and start a fight.

This truly is a unique letter, as there is no way to answer it properly. There are so many variables; were the Slurpees good? Did you finish them? Did they refresh you properly? Or were they unsatisfactory, in which case they could have been returned for a full refund? (In that case, next time, after they have been stolen, return the mostly finished Slurpees for a 'refund' and earn some cash!) But lastly, my advice to you is to seek counseling to help you cope with all your feelings.

-- N to the Urse

Bloody

2009-07-31T07:36:00.006-04:00

Dear Donors:

I hope you are enjoying your summer break!
As you may remember, you signed a pledge, at your last High School Blood drive, to brighten area lives this summer by donating blood between July 1, 2009 and August 31 2009. During the summer months, we have fewer donors than normal coming in to donate and the need for blood greatly increases so your donation can greatly impact your community’s blood supply.

As a sign of our appreciation, you will receive two free movie tickets to Carmike Cinemas. Tickets will be mailed within two weeks after the donation.

-- Customer Service Department, Central Blood Bank

...

Dear Donors:

An e-mail was recently sent in error. In the e-mail, donors were referred to as “having pledged at their last High School Blood drive.” You were incorrectly selected in our system as a high school blood donor. We acknowledge the error in distribution and apologize for any confusion it may have caused.

The incentive that was referenced in the previous e-mail is for a select group of high school donors only.

-- Customer Service Department, Central Blood Bank

Dear CSDCBB:

Fine then. I'm never donating blood again.

-- Dr. N

遗失护照

2009-07-06T23:55:00.001-04:00

Dear Dr. Nello:

I've heard rumors that the U.S. government confiscated your passport and that the Chinese government not only banned you from ever visiting their country, but also from visiting any and all Chinese buffets stateside. Could you please explain why?

-- Sum1

Dear Sum1:

I think it was actually the other way around; bearded Chinese government woman stole my passport while the US government has banned me from visiting Chinese buffets, Old Country Buffets and Jimmy Buffets. I was able to sneak out of the country into Italy, where I sought asylum. (On a side note, I know an elderly Italian who should be in an asylum.)

Hiding in Italia was enjoyable until I saw a shemale and discovered it was Pride Week in Genoa. Pride is a deadly sin, and those people need to be more humble. When I tried to leave, though, I was detained in Munich, I think simply because Germans are mean people.

To answer your question, though, as to why all this started ... I played a joke on the Chinese because I gave them Coke cans that homeless men had gone to the bathroom on. The US government has banned me from the above locations because Obama is angry that Nurse Chris and I are running such a successful presidential campaign.

In the end, I got a new passport by selling my sole (I had a beat-up pair of imitation Converses that apparently are in high demand in Europe). I made it to the States in time for the Fourth of July and, of course, the 2½ anniversary of this website.

-- Dr. N

2½ Years

2009-07-06T11:42:00.000-04:00

How much longer can this last?

WEIGHT, WHAT DID THE BLUR SAY?

2009-05-23T15:00:00.004-04:00

Remember when we posted that People magazine cover of Nurse Chris coming out? Turns out he was coming out ... as a FAT PERSON (which we've hinted at here and here.)

Issue highlights: Nurse Chris really weighs in, Dr. Jello nearly dies from diet, Dr. Nello says "Happy Girthday" to his assistant, Flabby refuses to eat people with transfat.

Issue nonhighlight: Dr. Fello's current state unknown.

Letter 100: The Perfect Spot

2009-05-20T09:49:00.000-04:00

Nurse Chris and Doctor Nello team up to answer their 100th letter!

Doctor Nello and Nurse Chris:

I've just eaten an entire package of oreos by myself and I want more. I'm also laying in bed for the 3rd consecutive day. I realize I should get up, but I think I found the perfect spot and I'm worried that I will never find this level of comfort again. Please help!

-- They Were Cool Mint Oreos, Double Stuf

Dear They Were Cool Mint Oreos, Double Stuf:

I was starting to to think you were a little crazy until I got to the part where you explained that the Oreos were of the cool mint double stuf variety.

Now we've all dreamed of the perfect spot, only few have actually found it though. I recommend you stay in that spot for now, and give me time to come over and then you can get up and I will let my body sink into the imprint your body has left in the bed. The truth is, I have recently gone through a little bit of a weight increase (in the neighborhood of 200lbs), and my energy and will to move have dropped dramatically. I want that spot. Please though, do whatever it takes to not go to the bathroom until I arrive.

After you've left the spot and realized your mistake, I suggest counseling to help you get over the fact that you lost your only opportunity to be perfectly comfortable.

-- DaN

Dear Doubly Stuffed:

I was sharing your problem with a colleague when she grabbed my collar and yelled, "Do NOT discuss oreos, especially cool mint double stuf, unless you've bought them for me!" I was scared that I might die. I wanted to pass this warning on to you that discussing cookies can be hazardous to your health.

What I find curious about your situation is that you've been laying in bed for three days and just now finished the bag of cookies. If it takes you that long to eat mint oreos and you didn't bring a second package, then I think while you may have found the perfect spot, you don't have what it takes to be a perfect spotter. A perfect spotter must be prepared to either extra food on hand or a loved one dedicated to bringing food. Also, you must either be on a toilet, or whatever you're on becomes a toilet. You should give up now, as you are too weak to be a fabric-skinned lounger.

Or, maybe because I have been having back problems for a while, I'm trying to get that perfect spot from you before Nurse Chris does.

-- DrN

HAPPY 20th, NURSE CHRIS

2009-04-26T10:00:00.003-04:00

20 years of great hair.

HAPPY 24th, DR NELLO

2009-04-25T11:54:00.000-04:00

24 years of greatness.

Nurse Chris Gets 'Round to Answering Old Letters

2009-04-23T21:21:00.000-04:00

Below, Nurse Chris answers some letters from 2007. He apologizes to the writers for taking so long to reply; he was busy ...

-- Concerned After Standing in Line Behind a Man Who Had a List of "Firefighter Pickup Lines" on His Shirt but a Face that Made Me Throw Up a Little in My Mouth

Dear Thrower-Upper:

Yes, I do believe in a correlation between unattractiveness and mental illness. I also believe that you are ugly because ugly people notice each other more. I think, to balance your ugliness, you should get a t-shirt with flirtatious phrases like "Spare Tire" or "I Went to Law School."

You could also try counseling.

-- The Nursenator

Dear Dr. Nello & Nurse Chris:

My mother is worried that I will never get married because I'm already 25. Should I just settle for anyone at this point, or do I still have a chance at making a good match someday? [Continue reading...]

-- Back in the Bend

Dear Bend Over Backwards:

I recommend Joe Kennedy. He is such a nice boy, and you'd never know he was homeschooled for church.

However, if you don't want to do that, you should stay at home with your mom. In your saintly senescent mother's old age, dress as a swan and let your mother feed you. This way you both will be happy; you won't have to find someone and your mom will have you in the area. Who knows, you may even find your own swannie.

And last, but not least, try counseling.

-- nurCe

Hey Fatso

2009-04-21T00:24:00.003-04:00

Dr. Nello:

Are you thinking of losing weight? You don't need to kill yourself over that fat belly.

-- Jarrett Meyers

Dear Jarrett:

Ouch! I wasn't thinking of losing weight until I got this email. Am I really that fat? I have stopped shaving recently to hide my double chin, but I didn't think I had let myself go that much. I hope I'm not headed towards morbid obesity like Nurse Chris!

I suppose I need to give myself some advice on this problem. I don't think the "Ask the Dr. Chris" weight loss video would help (it apparently didn't do much for Nurse Cellulite). Amputation would lead to a lower number on the scale, but I'd like to keep what remaining appendages I have. The only option left is dieting.

There are so many fad diets out there, how am I to know which one is the right one? The answer, of course, is disgorging. And what better way to do that than to spend a month in China eating goose necks and chicken claws? I'm bound to get sick and throw up after eating that gross stuff.

I'll have to prepare for my trip by eating plenty of mandarin oranges. I'll probably head over there sometime this summer, and when I get back, I'll be half the size of my adipose assistant (eg, normal sized).

Once again, I am not nearly as pudgy as Nurse Chunky.

-- Dr. N

Dove si Trova il Medico?

2009-03-12T20:03:00.006-04:00

Ciao Dottore Nello:

Come stai? E dove siete? Noi siamo tristi perché la vostra saggezza non sia qui negli Stati Uniti. Alcuni di noi sono preoccupati che hai venduto la tua pelliccia, o avete fatto e sposato due donne in una volta? Il medico è un pescivendolo! Per il bene bene, scuotere i cani a fuga nel tempio.

-- Il Custode delle Ultime Foreste Pluviali

Caro Costumi Uomo:

Sto facendo bene qui a Genova, grazie. Ho mangiato un sacco di frutti di mare, ma non salame. Il nucleare sarà costruita. Io non indossare mascara.

Io ritorno agli Stati Uniti il 21 marzo. Si prega di non dimenticarsi di me, e vi prego di ottenere il gatto bagnato mentre io sono andato.

-- Dr. N

PS. Si consiglia di utilizzare Google Translate.

Ma+h He1p

2009-03-04T11:29:00.012-05:00

Dr. Nello:

I can't seem to get the right answer. Can you help me?

(x + 3)(x - 2) = (x + 4)(x - 1)

-- Smellvic

Dear Smellvic:

Lucky for you I happened to be a math major/substitute teacher in a previous life. The answer is very simple, so simply in fact that I think you are too stupid to take the NYS Regents at age 12.

(x + 3)(x - 2) = (x + 4)(x - 1)

First, use the FOIL method to simplify both sides.

x² - 2x + 3x - 6 = x² - x + 4x - 4

Then, combine the like terms. (Notice that you can cancel out the x² from both sides.)

-x - 6 = 3x - 4

Subtract 3x and add +4 to both sides.

-2x = 2

Now divide both sides by -1.

x = -1

You should plug x = -1 back into the original problem and check that both sides equal. Don't feel too bad about being so stupid, though. Nurse Chris took the Regents four times and the highest grade he received was 21.

-- Dr. N

Learning About Learning Clocks

2009-02-24T23:17:00.007-05:00

Dr. Nello:

At work we had a presentation on the Human Performance Tool of the Month, "Learning Clocks." I thought at first this would be insturctions on how to play the Coldplay song on the piano. Instead, it was about an online clock thing that "trips" everytime there is an "event," and the clock starts again at zero with each event. Most of these events were things like "An employee tripped and fell." (I guess that's why they say it "trips" the clock?)

The presenter then told us we could subscribe to this clock and get daily emails about its current status. After his presentation, people started clapping.

Are worthless HuP Tools like this common at all businesses, or just mine?

-- One Who Doesn't Like to Waste Time

Dear One:

Don't mock the clock! Learning clocks like that are extremely valuable in the business world. As a matter of fact, Nurse Chris and I have our own learning clock. It's new on the right hand side of this screen (if you don't see it, try Firefox). Now you'll know all about the events that happen to the staff here at the blog, probably more than you ever wanted to learn.

-- Dr. N

Cool Cruise or Cold Cuts

2009-01-28T22:15:00.008-05:00

Dr. Nello:

Congratulations! You've been identified to receive a FREE Two Night Carribean Cruise for two adults! As our guest, you'll cruise round-trip on the Regal Empress from sunny Ft. Lauderdale, FL, to Nassau in the tropical Bahamas. Your introductory "Fam-Trip" cruise includes a private cabin, all meals and entertainment.

"Fam-Trip" is travel industry jargon for a "Familiarization Trip" which is a free or highly discounted vacation package that most Travel Agents receive as a perk to "familiarize" themselves with fine Resorts and Cruise Ships like ours. We believe you're just as qualified as a travel agent to experience our "familiarization" tours.

Please call; no purchase necessary, no strings attached!

-- Imperial Majesty Cruise Line Vacations

Dear IMCLV:

On the one hand, a free trip to the Bahamas sounds exhilirating. I've wanted to travel there ever since I was supposed to go in 2000 but had to cancel to go to my stupid brother's wedding. (Is it my brother that's stupid, or was the wedding stupid? Maybe both.) And I am not one to easily pass up free food.

Howe'er, I currently have plans to head overseas to Genoa, Italy. I'm attending "InPsyBloCon '09." That's short for "Internatioal Psychaitrist Blogger Convention 2009", where we doctors "psychaitrize" and "blog" like travel agents "familiarize." I'm also stocking up on salami.

(Thank you for explaining the term "Fam-Trip." I thought at first the "Fam" stood for "family," and I thought there was no way in Gahhenoa I was taking them with me.)

This is a tough decision to make; the Bahamas will definitely be warmer, but I've never missed an InPsyBloCon. I think I'll google your service to make sure it's not a scam, and then get back to you.

-- Dr. N

Qreepy Questions

2009-01-12T00:21:00.001-05:00

Hello:

Bonus is our middle name, or is it F.E.A.R?

Are they in your closet?
When we will meet again?
See you later.

-- Jodie

Dear Jodie:

I'm trembling so much tonight I will have Nurse Chris syndrome, but at the same time, the puzzling ponderings you pose are so provoking I am persuaded to post.

First off, I'm guessing your middle name is F.E.A.R., and that it stands for "Frighteningly Eerie And Repulsive."

In my closet are a vacuum, ironing board, and clothes; if that is what you mean by "they," then yes. If you are referring to monsters, then I sure hope not.

I have now come to the conclusion that you are the doubleheaded monster in my closet named Jodie F.E.A.R. Teratism, and you want me to meet you so you can kill me. We can never meet again. I'm sorry.

-- Dr N.

PS. Monster or not, make sure you check out our anniversary music video if you haven't already! Even if you have, check it out again!

Two Year Anniversary Dance Lesson

2009-01-06T00:00:00.015-05:00

Two years! Celebrate with us by watching this awesome music video/letter-and-response.

Can you count all the new things on the blog? (Hint: check the top of the page ... actually, that's about it.)

Also ... this is the 91st letter. Which means, of course, only nine more letters till the HUNDREDTH LETTER.

731 DAYS

2009-01-04T16:44:00.004-05:00

Tuesday marks the second anniversary of this blog. Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris have gone through quite a lot to get to where they are now: movies, music, books, firings, hirings, murders, strikes, bailouts, coming outs, fluctuating reader counts, fluctuating weights, weight loss iTunes programs, and medicinal superpowers. There was that short lived, who-knows-what-it-was-supposed-to-be n08. We began our campaign for president, we were animated once, and (as we accidentally leaked on New Years) we're going to do it again Tuesday.

So what will 2009 hold for us? Dr. Nello hopes to turn 24, after which he will constantly remind everyone that 4/25/2010 is his golden birthday and he expects the party of the century. Nurse Chris hopes to get his Chickipedia page reinstated before he heads off to Europe this fall.

Bail Us Out

2008-12-26T12:34:00.000-05:00

Speaking of Irrelevant:

Does Dr. Nello still exist? He reminds me of an insect that lived too long but then made a contribution by reproducing right before he died (the NelloFamilyBlog). I think I heard someone say that once.

-- Ummm in Virginia

Dear Virginia:

Yes, there is a Dr. Nello. And also a Nurse Chris. I understand your confusion about our existance, though, because it (surprise!) has been awhile since our last letter response. This is because we've been waiting for our bailout. Like many other industries in 2008, we have not seen good profit returns; as a matter of fact, we've made 5% less than last year! This is obviously not due to the quality of our services, but rather because we haven't been given free money from the government yet.

We thought we had mentioned this before, but apparently we forgot, so we're saying it now. Please, give us money now, or we're just going to take it when you elect us prez and v-prez. Somewhere in the range of $20B should do.

-- Dr. N

APPARENTLY, SPIDERS ARE POPULAR HERE

2008-12-05T18:28:00.005-05:00

Dr. Helpful or Nurse Loveless?

2008-11-24T00:04:00.003-05:00

Dear Readers:

For this post, instead of answering one of your questions, I'm posing a question that I want you to answer.

Today at church the homily was about advice columns. At first, I was wondering where the priest was going with his fifteen minute introduction of Dear Abby's career, and the snippets of advice from her column were uninsightful, to say the least. But then he contrasted her advice style with that of a 1930s predecessor, "Miss Loveless."

Miss Loveless was actually a male editor who mockingly answered his writers. For example, a girl wrote that she was tired of being made fun of and, now that she was 16, wanted boyfriends. The one problem? She was born without a nose.

Now, had I received a letter from Noseless Nancy, my reply would involve several jokes like "I nose a few things you could do, pick one of them." (Nurse Chris, of course, would just suggest counseling.)

But this is exactly the kind of attitude the pastor decried this morning. Miss Loveless lacked empathy like Nancy lacked nostrils. I think the homily was specifically directed at me, and that the priest was trying to tell me that I need to change my ways. And that, like Miss Loveless, there's a problem with Nurse Chris's gender indentity issues.

What do you think? Should I refrain from any humor and give only Ann Landers-ish advice? Or do we outdo even Miss Loveless at her most lovelessness?

-- Dr. N

Asking About An Austrailian Avian-Adoring Arachnid

2008-11-10T00:48:00.009-05:00

Dear Dr. Nello:

I ordered a giant bird-eating spider from Australia, but it was accidentally shipped to the house of my sister in New York. The postal service claims they left the open box in my sister's mud room. I don't think she likes spiders. What should I do?

-- Oops in Ohio

Dear Poos in Ohio:

If only I had answered this letter a week ago, I could have used a Halloween theme. That'll teach me to delay. To make up for it, I'll give you 13 things you can do.

1. Offer to send an industrial size pack of toilet paper, quadruple ply, to squash it.

2. At least now she won't have to worry about Lady Bird, be it that red cardinal that's always attacking it's reflection or the late wife of Lyndon Johnson.

3. Don't kids love cardboard boxes? What's she complaining about?

4. Tell her you actually bought an expensive japanese silver-winged cockamamie, and the spider must have crawled inside the box during shipment. Emphasive the expensiveness, and ask that she chip in to cover the loss.

5. Remind her that although she has a bird-eating spider, at least she doesn't have a boil on her face that will erupt causing thousands of tiny spiders to crawl all over her face, like that one girl in "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark."

6. When she calls about the giant spider, act confused and say, "I didn't send a giant spider ... I just sent a regular size one. Are you shrinking?" Send some other giant things over the next few weeks; this could be the greatest non-April Fool's Day April Fools prank!

7. It's possible that this spider is Arachne or Anansi. Maybe she sould try talking to it.

8. Does she have a giant baby? A giant spider and a giant baby wrestling could be entertaining (or maybe just gross).

9. Refer her to Nurse Chris for counseling.

10. Send a cockatoo-eating python. She'll still hate the spider, but receiving the first two of a collectors series of bird-eating animals might satisfy her.

11. Get a nuclear bird. I don't really know what a nuclear bird is, but someone on Flickr has a picture of one. Anyway, if she feeds this bird to the spider, and the spider bites someone, that person will get both spider and bird powers. (Or they'll die from the radiation. Best to let someone not in the family test it first).

12. Or better yet, just get a giant bird. I mean, birds eat spiders, so giant birds should eat giant spiders, right? This could be a problem if the giant bird also eats children, so check the label first.

13. Don't worry, Obama will take care of it, just like her gas and mortage.

-- Dr. N

ANNOUNCING ... 2012

2008-11-05T23:57:00.007-05:00

Disappointed with the results of the 2008 elections, Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris have decided they need to take action for this nation's political future. They're officially announcing their intent to possibly run for president and vice president of the United States.

Explaining their desire to explore the notion of maybe seeking the highest office, Dr. Nello explains, "Originally, we were deterred by our lack of executive experience, but as was shown this year, experience is like that creepy-beard Skittles commerical: irrelevant." (When it was pointed out to the bloggers that each candidate this year was either a senator or a governor, Dr. Nello said, "Don't be distracted by those distractions!")

Nurse Chris adds, "We feel confident about winning if we actually go through with this, because it would be a historical first, electrifying voters. I would be the first hermaphroditic tranny to be #2 in the nation!" Nurse Chris then snickered at saying "number two."

"Of course," Dr. Nello interjects, "I might get to busy or forget or something. But I've really put a lot of thought into it this last hour."

Nurse Chris mused on a few simple, vague campaign slogans: "Probably Could," "Breakfast First," "Change Hope's Diaper" and "Counseling."

Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris immediately suspended their campaign until further notice.

Discussing Dirty Death, Drugs, Dermatology Deals

2008-10-24T21:34:00.001-04:00

Dr. Nello:

If you [CENSORED] behave in ded as [CENSORED], pilules will definately help you...

Find health information on a variety of health topics including skin care, osteoporosis, and smoking, user support and cough and cold...

Here is incredible prices!

-- Carolee Eveleigh

Dear Caroleevellee Whatever:

This is just what I needed. I have always had trouble [CENSORED] playing dead. Normally I wouldn't concern myself with such moribund quandaries, but Halloween is quickly approaching. I eagerly await learning how pillows can defiantly help. I have quite a pillow collection already; can I use my current inventory or do I need to invest in specialty biolysis bolsters?

I am glad you are offering me health information on health topics. Other people have offered me health information on automotive topics, or economic information on health topics, but no one before has presented health info and health topics together. And a variety, too! Skin care, osteoporosis (maybe that one was meant for Nurse Chris), smoking, user support ...

Wait, "user support" is a health topic? Sounds more like non-health, like tech support. I guess maybe I'm just dangerously out of touch with health care.

Those prices is truly inbelizeable!

-- Dr. N

Picture This

2008-10-22T23:48:00.014-04:00

[Today's post comes as a picture; we responded likewise.]

Dear Doctor:

-- Matthew S., Ohio

Dear Matthew:

-- Dr. N

Mystery Man Might've Mistyped

2008-09-30T19:34:00.008-04:00

Dr. Nello:

I want to buy your house.

-- William

William:

Is this somehow a reference to the current state of the economy? Or was this highly coincidental spam? At any rate, I appreciatively decline. For one thing, I don't have a house. I have a MANSION. I'm not really looking to move right now, I'm happy where I am. So many memories attached to this place, so many skeletons in the closets; I don't think I could part with it.

Since this proposal lacks relevant specifics like offer price or move-in date, perhaps you made a typo and meant to say "I want to 'come by' your house." In which case, I must still decline. I'm uncomfortable with non-female strangers dropping by, and in fact you sound like a creepy stalker or something.

Or maybe you really mean you want to buy my "mouse." And instead of "mouse" you mean "cat." And instead of "your" cat you mean "any" cat. And instead of "buy" you mean "kill." You "want to kill any cat." In that case, be my guest.

But not my house guest.

-- Dr. N

SHOCKING (SORTA)

2008-09-24T19:55:00.004-04:00

Issue highlights: Nurse Chris comes out saying something blurry. Dr. Jello loves life with entourage after short stint in blogosphere. Dr. Nello explains why he hacked brother's cell phone. Dear Flabby's weight loss impeded by voracious appetite.

Past, Present ... and Future?

2008-08-21T19:12:00.001-04:00

Dear Doctor Nello:

As I rapidly approach my twenty-third-and-a-half birthday, I look back at my life and think of all the things I still haven't done. I haven't earned a million dollars, I haven't invented edible shoes, I haven't jet-skied on Mars ... the list goes on. What's worse, though, is that I am columnist and lately haven't felt inspired to write anything. Why, it's probably been over a month since I last posted an article. What should I do?

-- Almost 23.5

Dear A23.5:

I, too, sometimes look at my life and realize that there is so much I have yet to accomplish. Actually ... that never happens. But we do share in common our occasional lack of enthusiasm when it comes to posting. As a matter of fact, it's been almost two months since I've posted on this blog, clearly violating my unwritten rule of always posting at least one letter per month.

But you wouldn't have known that unless I told you, because I have used a time machine. That's right, even though this email says August 21 it was actually written September 15! Oh, the wonders of modern technology.

Time machines are suprisingly available almost anywhere ... eBay, Target and even some 7-Elevens. They aren't cheap, though, so you'll have to steal a lot of money first. When you get one, though, you'll find you now have plenty of time to finish all those tasks on your list.

One warning though ... your lack of motivation could lead to a slow demise of your once grand website and your faithful patron list will trickle down to just that one crazy woman who claims to be your mom. Even a time machine can't fix that. It's probably time to adopt a new strategy, maybe you should try a vlog to spice things up?

-- Dr. N

iTUNES LEAKS NEW NURSE CHRIS SIDE PROJECT

2008-08-10T20:28:00.006-04:00

Seems like Dr. Nello and Nurse Chris are never satisfied simply running this website; they always feel the need to branch out and expand into other media outlets. Whether it's movies (Naked Death 8), books (The Doctor is In and So is His Nurse) or music (N'n'N's Good Thing We're Not Related), they're producing something spectacular.

Available exclusively on iTunes, Nurse Chris is releasing a solo project, "NAKED: Ask the Dr Chris" workout/advice video. "The problem with most people," explains Nurse Chris, "is that they are fat and stupid. In my video, I suggest counseling while giving instructions on squats and lunges, solving psychological problems and burning calories. It's killing two birds with one stone, and who doesn't like killing birds?"

This is the first solo venture for the doctor or nurse. Dr. Nello refused to tell what exactly his side project would be, but promised it would come soon and "be better than Nurse Chris's."

Clearing Coffee, Pt. 2

2008-07-26T14:26:00.009-04:00

Nurse Kris:

My mom is always clearing my coffee cups, and most of the time they're still half full. She's obsessive about putting my mugs in the dishwasher, she will even go so far as to take a cup I drinking out of my hands. Her behavior is out of control and I'm thinking that the only solutions are to move out (at the early age of 23) or to put her in a home (whose home exactly I don't know, maybe the neighbors?). Please weigh in with your thoughts.

-- Maxwell House

Dear Mad Max:

Sounds like your mother is what we call a Mother Always Ridding Your Cups Away Viciously In Numbers, often called a MARYCLAVIN. This disorder is common in middle aged women looking half their age who have had 10 or more children. They get so accustomed to clearing cups and dishes while their family is growing, that when their children are old enough to clear things on their own, they clear every cup in sight to compensate for the work they are used to.

Fortunately there are solutions to your problem. First you could move out like you suggested, but then you would have to buy your own food. While this may mean your soft tacos will be large and plentiful on taco night, overall it's not a plus.

You could also stop drinking, but that's probably not healthy, so I would suggest acquiring what I like to call, an "evermug." An evermug is simply a coffee mug that you super glue to your hand so no one will ever be able to clear it again! However, you will lose most of the use in whichever hand you glue the mug to.

So in the end I would most strongly support counseling. Hopefully you will be able to understand your mother's problem and learn to deal with having to grab a new mug every now and then. God speed.

-- Da N

Clearing Coffee, Pt. 1

2008-07-25T21:28:00.002-04:00

Doctor:

I have a son who is taller than Abe Lincoln yet is always whining when he leaves his coffee cups all over the house -- sometimes for days -- and they get cleared to the sink or dishwasher. Do you think because of his height he has his head in the clouds, or that he's a slob, or that his mother's helpfulness is just plain unappreciated? Would it be best if he gave notice and moved to another state in the next two weeks?

-- Just Curious in Endwell

Dear Curious: Have you spoken to your son about these coffee cups? Most likely he plans on reusing the cup before washing (saving you on your water bill), and this is behavior for which you should commend him. He might also be trying follow the new trend of "going green" by growing mold in his cups. If his cup is left out for a few days, he may have just grown a new art project, replacement facial hair for alpaca patients, or even a cure for some deadly disease like Spontanteous dental hydroplosion!

It is also possible that your son simply has not finished his coffee and would like to drink it before you clear it, and doesn't want anyone touching his Carnegie Mellon mug anyway. Maybe you should move out.

(Alpaca or alopecia, I always get those two confused. Alcapulco?)

-- Dr. N

The Shortest Post

2008-07-25T17:49:00.002-04:00

Docandnurse:

Is this thing [the message box above] working yet?

-- Lady Gaga

Dear U:

Yes.

-- Dr. N

THE REASON FOR THE TIMER, NEW COLORS

2008-07-13T15:52:00.003-04:00

Causerie on Curses

2008-07-02T21:09:00.004-04:00

Deere Doctor:

There's a curse on my house or my family or something, and it's bad. Every Saturday, someone gets seriously injured fingerwise. First my brother nearly chopped his fingertip off, then my other brother sliced his finger on a shard of glass. But there's more to the curse than just that! My first brother injured his index finger, and my second brother hurt his middle finger. Naturally, the next finger to go is the digitus medicinalis, the ring finger!

Obviously curses are real, so I'm scared redunculously that I'm next. At the same time, I have a glimmer of hope. I noticed that the injuries have only occurred when my brothers were home alone doing chores. I'll be cleaning Friday but not Saturday, as I'm going to my cousin's wedding out of town. Also, the first affliction was severe enough to warrant a trip to the ER, but the second wasn't quite as serious. I hope this means that the next incident will be very minor.

What do you think of my predicament? Am I safe as long as I stay out of town? If not, what can I do to break this curse (instead of my finger)?

-- Distraught over Doom of Digit

Dear D°D°D:

If movies such as "The Ring" or "Final Destination" have taught us anything, it's that stupid horror films make for more stupid sequels. Something else we can learn from them is that curses can't be avoided but then can be overcome.

First, let's examine what's likely to happen. The first two injuries were just a taste of the awfulness that is about to come. The damage will not be less, it will be far greater than before. (I'm thinking your finger will explode, or liquefy, or become a hotdog.) It will occur on Saturday, whether you are home or not, because "home is where the fart is." You are correct that it will be the ring finger, and luckily there are some options.

You can battle, trick or transfer the curse. Battling the curse will involve extensive research to see what its origin is and will likely involve a confrontation with the Goblin King and dramatic shouting of "You have no power over me." You might try tricking the curse by wearing a foam finger or something similar (but this could backfire if the foam finger spontaneously ignites). Finally, you can transfer the curse by getting another family member to do a chore on Saturday and saying the magic words "ishyha maka." Be careful, though, and don't blame me if your cousin's finger falls off while she's cutting the cake.

Let me know how it goes, if you can still type.

-- Dr. N

Finger in the Lawn

2008-06-25T17:17:00.007-04:00

Nurse Chris:

Recently I injured myself in a rather embarrassing manner. I have an important interview coming up, and there's no way I can hide it, and I'm sure I'm going to be asked about it. Should I tell the truth about how it happened, sigh "long story" and not give any more details, or make up a heroic tale in which I got hurt saving someone's life? I'm sure you had similar experiences when you tried out for the NBA after accidentally cooking your leg.

-- Wearing a Giant Fake Finger in Oxford, NY

Dear Ox Sized Finger:

You're going to have to lie your way out of this one. Luckily for you, studies have shown that 91.7% of people in the US (96.4% in Canada!) pick their nose (even if they deny it), and 54% of those people have injured themselves in a picking accident. What you need to do when you are asked about it is say something along the lines of, "Well to be honest, I was picking my nose really hard, my nail got caught and ripped right off." Chances are your employers are nose pickers and will sympathize with you. I wouldn't be surprised if they open up and tell you their own nose picking injury stories! Plus, they will appreciate having an honest employee who isn't afraid to tell them things.

An alternative to the above suggestion is to make up a story in which you performed some heroic action like you said, such as saving children from a burning orphanage and while you were running through the building, a support beam fell on your hand. If your employer is an environmentalist you could say that you were feeding birds organic bird food and one bird started eating your finger and you couldn't shoo it away because you didn't want to hurt the beautiful creature. Once again your employers will appreciate an employee like you.

Yes I have had similar problems since burning my leg when I was hungry, but I've learned to try not to look at my injuries as obstacles to getting hired, but rather use them as a poles and vault myself into a high level position! Look where I am now, a nurse on a hugely popular advice site! However, if you can't do this, I suggest counseling to help you cope with the emotional stress of never getting a good job due to stupidity beyond that of your youngest brother's.

-- the NURSE

Animated Discussion

2008-05-29T22:34:00.006-04:00

Dead Letter

2008-05-14T19:28:00.012-04:00

Dear Sir/Madam:

My name is Mrs Susan Abu. I'm the personal secretary to the new Minister of Finance. I'm directed to contact you by the Minister to urgently confirm from you if actually you know one Peter Woo who claims to be your business Associate/Partner in Nigeria. The said Mr. Peter Woo is claiming to us that you are dead and he would like to change all the information that you gave to us as the legal bona fide beneficiary. As you may know, the total amount in your favor is $30 million.

We need to confirm from you if it's really true that you are dead. If we do not hear from you it automatically means that you are actually dead and the information passed to us by Mr. Peter Woo is correct.

Your swift response will help this ministry a lot. Do email me with your full name and direct phone number for an easy communication, your age and occupation to this effect. Finally send your urgent response. Best regards.

-- Mrs Susan Abu, Secretary for the Federal Minister Finance

Dear Prince Abubu:

The truth is, I actually know two Peter Woo's who claim to be my business partners/associates in Nigeria. I hope that by not just knowing one Peter Woo like you asked, that I might be able to receive double the amount.

Now you stated that if I do not respond, it automatically means that I am actually dead. Does that mean that if I am alive now, but never respond that I will die? How much time do I have to do this? And if I am dead do I still get the money? I don't really mind if my information is changed as long as I get the money.

To get to the important issue, my life status. I honestly can't give you a good answer. Do dead people know they are dead? If you remember the movie, The Sixth Sense, the main character does not find out he's dead until the end of the movie. As you probably know, I am not quite as clever as Bruce Willis, and if I am dead, it would take me a lot longer then a few hours to figure it out. This brings up the age old question, do monkeys know that they are monkeys?

I hope my response was swift enough for you, I really do enjoy helping out ministries. My full name is Nurse Chris something (I can't remember it all but that should be close enough), my direct phone number for easy communication is 1-800-356-9377, I am 19 years old (possibly dead though) and I'm not quite sure what my occupation to this effect is. Finally, my urgent response is "Yes!"

If some or none of that information is helpful, I suggest you seriously consider looking into therapy, because obviously you are a confused individual.

-- Chris RN

Memory Fading

2008-05-03T00:41:00.010-04:00

Dear Dr. Nello:

Virus Deleted, Brain Cells Depleted

2008-04-30T21:16:00.001-04:00

God dag:

+-------------------------------------------+

Warning! This letter contains a virus which has been successfully detected and cured.
We strongly recommend deleting this letter and avoid clicking any links.

+-------------------------------------------+
[RBN Networks Antivirus]

Titleand went on: old ralph rinkelmann made his innumerable
rubber trees in the centre of a basinm. And wring on them
the juyce of a lemon. To broil horse closed around him,
and there, for five minutes, and tender boil'd, thick them
with a little milk majorgeneral, and serve gratis and pay
their own cross, i held my head as high as i could, and
very swiftly reviewed, for just as i had reached with a
blue ribbon round his neck, and called clara, were also
visited inby major powell and one sorrow comes close upon
the heels of another. (rapadura)? It is the invention of
some madman! As ye please, for all me, said the doctor,
who ignorant classes. The garrison of kerman was armed heading
definitely for bloomsbury. Sometimes,.

-- Chism Prescott

Chism:

Thanks for nothing. Even though the virus scanner prevented your letter from causing damage to our computers, the second paragraph destroyed our minds and kept us from answering letters for almost the whole month of April. It has also kept us from rehiring Dr. Fello (which some might say is a good thing).

Now that our brains have rehealed, our readers can expect quite a few posts in May, including a story about "Soup Girl," an explanation of what happened regarding Nurse Chris's grisly murder last August, and whatever the heck Dr. Fello is thinking about.

Bd dag to you, Mr. Prescott!

-- Dr. N

Oh, Donna

2008-03-31T19:27:00.001-04:00

Hi Dr Nello:

Donna would like to be added to your MySpace friends list. By accepting Donna as your friend, you will be able to send Donna personal messages, view Donna's photos and blog, and interact with each other's friends and network! View Donna's profile and accept or reject this user as your friend.

-- MySpace, Inc.

Dear MySpace:

No spank you.

-- Dr. N

Upgrade Before the Robot Revolution

2008-02-26T21:50:00.009-05:00

Dear Doctor Nello:

I don't know how to use a computer. I used to, but then I had children and gained weight and started drinking, and it all got away from me. At my age it is embarrassing to ask for help, so sometimes I just fiddle with settings for a while and go to bed, rather than accomplish anything. Is there any hope for me?

-- Thirty Screen Savers in One Night

Dear TSSi1N:

Computer illiteracy is divided into three severity categories: Types I, II and III. An example of Type I is a neighbor I have who held her mouse like a remote after discovering that touching the screen was ineffective.

Type II sufferers can do basic computer functions, such as printing and emailing, but have difficulty scanning and uploading and believe computer viruses can spread by physical contact.

Type III users know some moderately advanced tricks, such as embedding videos, and know the difference between a "background" and a "screen saver." However, they can't grasp higher-level concepts such as PhotoShop, keyboard shortcuts, or installing hardware.

It should be noted Types I & II will be terminated when the robots take over the world. While Type I's are beyond help, if you find yourself to be a Type II there is still time to advance before it's too late. There are several methods to absorb techno-know-how from technology itself.

1. Connect a USB cable to your computer and your belly button (if you can find it).
2. Wear a Bluetooth headset to bed even if you don't have a cell phone.
3. Speak in L337, aka "Leet," replacing letters with numb3rs.
4. Lick a printer's ink cartridge (that's a joke, although Nurse Chris does that regularly).

If for some reason these steps fail, I recommend a robot costume to blend in.

-- Dr. N

Drummy Tummy

2008-01-24T13:37:00.003-05:00

Nurse Chris:

My father is a somewhat musical fellow, often whistling, humming and clapping. He also likes to play his stomach like a drum, which bothers me. Like mayonnaise, I don't think abdomens should be used as instruments. What are your thoughts?

-- Son of a Stomach Slapper

Dear Child of a Gut Drum:

In many ancient cultures stomach slapping is a sign of seniority and let's others know "Hey, I'm the boss around here, I pay the bills, so stay back and let me watch my shows." I think it's quite possible that your father has adapted this technique as a way of gaining respect from others. Unfortunately it may have the opposite effect on people. To deal with it, whenever he starts drumming away, start clapping to the beat. If there are enough of you, you could start a band. If that doesn't work, I suggest counseling to help you deal with the noise.

-- N Chabizzle

Where Mathematics Meets Biology

2008-01-24T13:37:00.001-05:00

Nurse Chris (RIP):

How is it that my parents are so dumb, and yet I am so smart?

-- Jean Yuss

Dear Jean:

This question has an obvious answer. Say your parents each had 3/4 of a brain (I'm not saying your parents do, it's just an example). Now what is 3/4 + 3/4? It is 6/4, or 3/2. 3/2 is more then one, which is why you are so brilliant. Of course some of your siblings may not be quite so smart and this is explained by the fact that 3/4 - 3/4 = 0/4 or just 0. I hope this has enlightened you. If it didn't, try talking to a counselor, maybe he can help you.

-- N to the C

Hnames

2008-01-24T13:26:00.001-05:00

Deceased Dimwit (aka Nurse Chris):

My younger brother has recently been tickling a woman's fancy, but I fear he is too sensitive about her name, "Holly." At first I truly couldn't remember her name, and would guess similar names like "Hailey," "Heather" and "Havannah Smiles," but each time he'd take umbrage ("ella, ella, A, A, A, A, A"). I find this amusing so I continue to say the wrong name, including my personal favorite, "Headheadheadheadhead." Who's going overboard here, me or him?

-- Not Dead & Not Dating Head

Dear ND&NDH:

First off, are you sure he is tickling a woman's fancy? Is it possible he is actually tickling his own fanny? If it is the fancy that he tickling then I would say maybe you should tone it down a little. Such as if you meet her for the first time at a pro-life march, don't purposely say her name wrong every time as that could just make things weird. And the head name is probably a poor reading job by a young girl who I'm assuming is related to you, and therefore it would only be funny occasionally and if the people present already understood the joke. I suggest you seek counseling to remember her name.

-- nC

It's Pronounced "Pro-PAY"

2008-01-22T14:13:00.000-05:00

Hickory Dickory Doc:

I have an addiction to a non-addictive substance. I drink gallons of bottled water daily. This is not only expensive, but the mess from the empty bottles drives my family crazy. Even our beloved environmentalists are weighing in against bottled water these days. When the bottled water craze began, I resisted paying for something I could get free from a faucet in my home. I even have one of those oversized refrigerators with a chilled water dispenser in the door, yet I go on carting these heavy, expensive containers home from the store. Can you explain this? It's not helping me control my appetite, and the benefit factor is not obvious even to me. Is this actually a problem as family members claim, and if so is there help? Perhaps you could suggest clever gifts I can make with the piles of empty bottles?

-- One Who is Self-Propelled

Dear Self-Propelled:

If you are diabetic, Propel seems like a decent choice for consumption as it serves "as an alternative ... for people trying to avoid excess sugar and carbohydrates while still satisfying the body's need for electrolytes to combat dehydration." Of course, you could probably obtain electrolytes from several other cheaper sources, but at least you can claim some health benefit. However, there is no need to waste your money on the bottled Propels as there is now powdered Propel.

As you are addicted to this drink, though, I can tell you're going to keep purchasing the bottles in bulk, so let's think of creative things to do with the empty containers.

1. Punch holes in the tops and bottoms of the bottles. Run 6-foot strings through the bottles so there are about seven or eight bottles on a string. These can be hung from a ceiling or curtain rod, similar to beaded curtains. They can also be used as whips.

2. Strip off the labels, turn upside down and stack to create whimsical decorative statues.

3. Cut the bottles in half down the middle vertically and use the halves as ... something.

-- Dr. N

Fermented Food Fears

2008-01-19T14:12:00.000-05:00

Dr. Nello:

I need advice. I have an adult son, he's at least over 21 and lives on his own. Quite regularly he calls around dinner time and asks, "Can I eat this rotten food?" It may be moldy cheese, spoiled tomatoes, stale cookie dough (as if that can ever go bad; sugar is a preservative isn't it?) or even a box of spaghetti he left on the floor of his car for six months. While it's good he keeps in touch and wants my opinion (at least on rotten food), is this normal: the desire to eat spoiled food? We didn't feed him rotten tomatoes when he was growing up, so I'm not sure from where this comes.

-- A True Epicurian

Dear Epinephrine:

Your son's behavior is perfectly normal for a young man with multiple taste buds. He probably just wants to try new foods and experience new taste sensations, and you should encourage his efforts. Be pleased that you don't have a picky son who requires you to make special meals.

However, we do know that mold, like Prozac, can lead to fever, nausea, diarrhea, dry mouth, vomiting, headache, nervousness, insomnia, drowsiness, anxiety, tremor, dizziness, fatigue, excessive sweating, hair loss and death. Therefore you should steer him towards trying new foods that won't ill/kill him. If he's earlytwentysomething and living on his own, I doubt he'll want to cook too much, and he probably doesn't have the money to dine out, I recommend befriending a French rat.

One question I can't answer about moldy foods (so I'm glad you didn't ask it) is if bleu cheese is mold, how do you know when it's gone bad? Isn't it by definition already bad?

-- Dr. N

¿Spamalicious?

2008-01-18T10:40:00.000-05:00

Eighteen:

Show your woman show girl yourself care and are willing to help you. That can be revoked if a reference check is not favorable.

-- Constance Milton

Dear Constance:

It tells here how the stars see them fleeing. What have I done to you that you should turn from me like this? "Davie, take me away from him," she cried.

"There's something wrong here," Bazin, who was an ill-looking big man, told us.

It was surely a strange neighbourhood and house for a young lady to be. Some childish freak that was manifestly tender; that she alone some other place, and reading myself whenever I was tempted to "It will be all one to me," she cried. "I prefer to be disgraced."

"That remains to be yet seen," said I. "But so much I need!" I thought I had been a gull and a ninny and a soft Tommy. But it was was wholly beaten from my mind by the vehemency of my discomposure. This made a welcome diversion for all three of us. Dunkirk! We left our horses at the post, and found a guide to Bazin's. He led us at once either to the altar or the field. There sprang a patch of red in either of her cheeks. He came with one of his queer smiles. What was I telling ye, David?

"French nobleman," he told me, "excuse him." I was in no haste to make my presence known; the further though she must have stood behind it listening. She remained there; at times I could hear a creak of the machinery. I could very well understand how she should avoid James More.

I told him, "Ay, it was the same," and he withheld me some time from my butt. When I argued with myself, I grew more hopeful. She had cut that and his nose upon one side. As soon as I came in, the girl looked at me but knew not where I was. I had forgot why I was happy; only I knew she.

This did not interest me in the smallest, and at the door she dismissed me, some things said and done, and some that would be better to be forgotten. I supposed that our affairs have got so much ravelled.

-- Dr. N

[This message was put together from two pieces of spam.]

Second Opinion on Cell Phone Etiquette

2008-01-16T15:51:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Nello:

When you’re having dinner with someone, is it okay to answer your cell phone? And is it rude to leave your phone on the table?

-- Always Connected

Dear Always Connected:

I don't consider it rude to answer the phone during dinner ... you'd probably do the same thing if a call came through on a landline. It's actually rude to the person calling you if you DON'T answer. Your dinner guests will still be there when the call is done; the caller, however, will not be there if you ignore them.

Consider if you were at a restaurant with someone and a friend walked by and said hello. Would you ignore them? No, you'd acknowledge their presence, and you should treat the cell phone caller with the same respect.

If you feel that answering the phone tells your dinner guest they're unimportant to you, put the phone on speaker and have a conference call. Friends walking by in the restaurant can feel free to join in as well.

As for leaving your phone on the table, it depends on what kind of phone you have and if you plan to do secret texting. If you have a really way cool phone like my RAZR, which is super awesome, it makes a great conversation piece because of it's neato features. However, if you want to do under-the-table texting (which, for those born before 1975, means writing telegrams with your portaphone via instant "E" mailing), it's best to keep the phone on your lap.

-- Dr. N

HAPPY NELLOVERSARY!

2008-01-06T23:37:00.000-05:00

Even a grisly murder and the WGA strike can't stop them from answering your questions, solving your problems and making the world the best place to live.

n08, Y2K8, and 1/6/08

2008-01-01T23:52:00.001-05:00

Many of you have already discovered n08, the temporary replacement for Dr. Nello's blog while the doctor was on strike and Nurse Chris is still dead. Now that this blog is back, n08 has been moved to this new address (although let's be honest, we're not promising much in the way of updates).

Meanwhile, Dr. Nello would like to say that while it seems he's been on strike since mid-November, he actually did answer a series of letters earlier in December, but as our computers weren't prepared for that nasty Y2K8 bug, the post got lost until now (see below).

Finally, our one-year anniversary is fast approaching ... next Sunday (1/6/08) is our blog's birthday!

Replies to Free Couch Ad on Craigslist

2007-12-20T23:57:00.000-05:00

Oh, there is no picture there, could you email it to me?

-- RHK

Hi I'd love to come get this item. You you please let me know the address.

-- Jenn

If it is already claimed for can, you email me..because I won't make arrangements to get our trailer tonight to pick up the couch email me or call me let me know either way
THX!

-- Jennifer

I am interested in the couch posted today. I live about 50 miles east of Pittsburgh, but will be willing to travel. Where in Squirrel Hill do you live? I am not very familiar with the area except for the tubes. :)

-- Dave

Hi, I just wrote you (about a second ago) about the couch you have listed. I've been wanting one of this sort for a really long time but can't afford one new, and heh...usually not even used. But I'd be happy to offer you some cash for this couch. Let me know!

-- Justina

Do you still have the couch!? Thanks!

-- Holly

Dear All:

For a picture of the couch, click here -- note that there are several large stains on it from furniture abusing roommates. Also no, I do not have that couch anymore. I gave it to a very weird girl.

In lieu of giving you a couch, I will mock you.

Jenn: You have a double letter in your name, but this does not mean you you should repeat your pronouns.

Jennifer: The couch has not been "claimed for can," but if you're not making trailer arrangements I hope you're not expecting me to. THX forever!

Dave: I think that's funny that you are willing to drive two hours round trip for a crappy couch, but even funnier that you call Pittsburgh tunnels "the Tubes." I don't live in Squirrel Hill anymore. Don't use emoticons.

Justina: I kind of want your money but the whole "heh...usually not even used" line makes me repulse you too much to accept.

-- Dr. N

DR. NELLO JOINS WGA STRIKE

2007-11-17T21:48:00.002-05:00

Realizing that he, too, is a writer and hoping to jump on the bandwagon before it's unpopular, Dr. Nello has joined the 2007 Writers Guild of America's Strike. "I'm not really sure about all the details of the strike," he explained, "but I figured this would give me a good excuse to stop working for a while and spend time on other things I like to do, like writing on my other blog."

Until the WGA resolves its issues with the AMPTP, or Dr. Nello grows tired of the strike, there will be no new posts on this website.

(Meanwhile, an individual who looks suspiciously like the late Nurse Chris was also seen, but unavailable for comment.)

Famblogs

2007-11-10T13:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Doctor:

You may be a quack, but I don't know where else to turn, and besides you're free. I am currently addicted to several family blogspots and waste too much time on them. That's not my problem, though, as I have more time than money anyway. My problem is that when I read these blogs I instantly want to comment and say something sarcastic. With some families I know they will give as good as they get, and might even enjoy it, but others might think my comments are offensive.

Right now I have been holding back for days with not commenting after someone's sweet picture, "Am I the only one here who sees the strong resemblance to Princess Leah?" This is accurate and very funny, but I am sure it would be interpreted as rude. So should I 1) stop reading family blogs, 2) never comment (too hard!), 3) be brutally honest and funny, or 4) start one more self-help group and charge, so I could have more money than time?

-- One Who Amuses Herself Very Much

Dear Person:

I think you mean Princess Leia, from Star Wars. Princess Leah is actually a very different character, and is quite an insult.

I am a big fan of being brutally honest and funny. That's how I answer most of my letters. For example, much of your letter is nonsensical and leads me to believe your were intoxicated while writing it ("more time than money," what does that have to do with anything?). However, I am a doctor and therefore I am allowed to say such things, whereas you have probably not held a real job in over 30 years.

What I recommend you is find a new hobby, so you're not wasting so much time on family blogs and tempting yourself to write acerbic criticisms. For example, you could try to crack the musical Da Vinci Code, like this man (or produce "Da Vinci Code: The Musical").

One last thing, please do not think that you can anonymously comment on these famblogs and no one will know it was you.

-- Dr. N

Simple Answer for Cat Problem

2007-11-02T09:41:00.000-04:00

Dear Doctor Nello:

I have a cat, Ylgu, who constantly makes annoying meowing noises that drive me and the others in the house crazy. I've tried throwing heavy objects at him, shutting him in the basement, and yelling at him to shut up with no results. Do you have any suggestions besides killing him? I don't want to kill him and I don't feel like paying someone to do it.

-- Esebo Yrev, Nowheresville

Dear Esebo:

The answer is simple. Kill the cat. Amen.

-- Dr. N

Got Talent?

2007-10-27T10:48:00.001-04:00

Dear Dr. Nello:

My family cannot peaceably run talent shows together. Does this mean we should get a divorce?

-- Too Personal in Slumsville

Dear 2Personal:

Why would you want to run a talent show anyway? This is the 21st century. We have television. There is no need to sit around watching each other perform magic tricks or yodel in Latin when we can just flip on the tube.

I can tell, though, you must be one of those "traditional" people that shuns electronic media, "unschools" their children and hosts tea parties. You're going to go ahead and keep planning events like "Slumsville's Got Talent" in your living room. Here is my list of suggestions for Successful Home Innate-Talent shows (or Successful HIT shows, for short):

1) The only languages allowed for songs are English, Vulgarity and Finnish.
2) A gong, a cane and several rotten tomatoes are provided for fast removal of poor quality acts.
3) There must be at least one act involving bodily functions. (If you find this too crude, you can substitute Jell-O wrestling.)
4) The closing song should be an acoustic rendition of "Ladybug, Ladybug."

Follow these steps and there should be no need for family divorce. If tensions should remain, though, please call the Nurse Chris Memorial Family Counseling Hotline, 1-800-NCZ-DEAD.

-- Dr. N

Spiders and Sheets

2007-10-27T08:57:00.001-04:00

Dear Doctor Nello:

How often ought a lady change the sheets on beds for her guests? Once a week? Once a year? What if she feels quite certain that giant spiders are occasionally sleeping in the guest beds, but also occasionally laundering the sheets?

-- Confused as a Cupcake

Dear CaaC:

First of all, spiders are not only gross, but dangerous to your eyelashes. Therefore, if you think there are giant spiders in your basement, I recommend bombing the bedroom. Not bug-bombing but literally bombing it to smithereens.

Another approach you can take is arming your guests with mythical swords such as "Sting" from the Lord of the Rings. I fell asleep the last several times I tried watching that movie, but I'm fairly sure that "Sting" slays spiders of great dimensions. (As a side note, I hear the movies were so successful they're novelizing them as a book trilogy. Exciting!)

I have never heard of spiders laundering sheets. However, I do know of a verifiable medical case were a girl had a boil on her face. The boil grew larger and larger until it exploded and hundreds of tiny spiders crawled out.

In general, when spider infestations are not a concern, follow the "underwear" rule for sheets. After two uses, flip and use twice again, then wash.

-- Dr. N

D$@#!

2007-10-04T19:58:00.001-04:00

Dr. Nello:

Someone I know keeps writing "derpt" on things. Is this funny?

-- Getting Derpt-pressed in Ohio

Dear Derpt-pressed:

It really depends on what "things" this person is writing on. For example, if he's writing "derpt" on a BMW or a national monument, that's not funny, but if he's writing "derpt" on his posterior (or his posterity), that could be funny.

The term "derpt" itself is not one that I was immediately familiar with, and a quick scan of drMediPedia proved unfruitful. However, out of the top five results of Google, I have determined "derpt" to be one of three things: 1) a misheard quote from a movie, 2) an alternate spelling of Tartu, the second largest city of Estonia, or 3) part of a biochemical computer code from the Université de Liège. Let's examine the funniness of its usage in each case.

1) Quoting a movie has a funniness limit of 10 usages per month. Misquoting a movie is only funny the first 5 times. If this person has passed their limit, they are no longer funny.

2) Tartu, being the second-largest city in a country known mostly as "the other one besides Latvia and Lithuania," and having the alternate spelling "Derpt," is funny to write about. It's just so ridiculous, like Unalaska, Alaska or Twin Buttes, NM.

3) It is never funny to write computer code (especially on T-shirts), even if it does refer to an institution with a very funny name.

So as you can see, it is only funny if a) "Derpt" refers to Tartu or b) it is written on a rear end. If this person is writing "Derpt, Estonia" on his rear in Twin Buttes, NM, then it is very funny. Otherwise, chances are it's not funny.

Finally, for more information on funniness, you should consult TBS.

-- Dr. N

Nonanonymous, But Still Stupid

2007-10-04T01:02:00.001-04:00

Dear NC:

I have this friend ... um ... we'll call her "Janet." She has an obsession with sending you e-mails that are neither funny nor clever (it will be easy to spot them). You and the doctor have been kind enough to answer them, but I can guess how much of a pain it is. I desperately need advice on how to tell her that her e-mails probably should have never even been written they're so stupid. I really don't want to hurt her feelings (I hope she doesn't realize this letter is from me) but if it's necessary, then I'll do it.

But there is something else too. I have to be the worst speller in the world. I once wrote a valentine for some friends, and instead of writing,"Domenica and Krissy" I wrote, "Damn it, Krissy." Can you help me at all?

-- [Please Insert Name Here]

PS. I'm glad to finally find out your gender! Though I still doubt it's possible to change from male to female...

Dear No Name:

Nurse Chris is dead, but I'll pass on the message.

We are quite familiar with "Janet." I have actually received phone calls from this individual (which is strange and slightly disturbing as I have an unlisted number). She has demanded to know why her some of her emails went unanswered, and I explained that I refuse to answer questions that 1) refer to cats as humans, 2) contain "Nello-head" or "Dr. Quack," or 3) simply don't make any sense. She seems to have gotten the message as it has been months since I've heard from her. You don't need to worry about Janet.

For others, though, how do you politely tell them their emails are stupid without offending them? The answer is simple: you can't do it politely. Just be rude and blunt. Some things are more important than friendships, such as intelligence, pride, money and chocolate.

As to the spelling issue, I think a better question is why were you writing a valentine to two girls at once? I suggest investing in an unabridged dictionary, a swift kick in the butt, and (in memory of Nurse Chris) counseling.

-- Dr. N

WHO KILLED NURSE CHRIS

2007-09-14T09:43:00.000-04:00

As the murder investigation of the beloved Nurse Chris continues, we will be reporting any discoveries and accusations on a new blog, whokillednursechris.blogspot.com, and reserve this blog for the usual posts.

LETTER, CLUES DISCOVERED IN NURSE'S BEDROOM

2007-09-13T11:20:00.000-04:00

Nurse Chris's body was found dead in her bedroom in early August with a screwdriver piercing her right temple. Several clues have been discovered that may implicate suspects as police continue to solve her mysterious and grizzly murder.

The most prominent clue so far was a letter addressed to "You Filthy Man-Woman Slob." It was apparently from a former employee of Dr. Nello's who felt "brushed aside [by the doctor] in favor of a tramp ... with the intelligence of a decapitated sewer rat and the odor of an unwashed Siamese monkey fish." It was signed "Your Fellow, Doctor Fello."

Pittsburgh police believe that this letter may be from the unpopular Doctor Francis J. Fello, a former employee fired by Dr. Nello this summer for not writing posts on schedule. Nurse Chris was notorious (and fired) for also not posting on time, but was rehired. Meanwhile, the forgettable Dr. Fello has not been rehired.

Police have named Dr. Fello a murder suspect, but stress that he is a "person of disinterest."

Police have also promised a report due tomorrow on other clues and suspects, with "an exciting twist you never saw coming!"

Fuddy Duddy

2007-09-12T18:21:00.000-04:00

Hello Dr. Nello:

I have an awkward brother and a pushy sister who cannot find love despite both having experienced some academic success. My mother worries for my sister, I worry for my brother, and my father, well, he is too busy stealing grapes one at a time from the grocery store and overcooking bacon to really notice anything.

I have recently heard a rumor that my brother and sister, both conscious that they may never find someone to accept them for who they really are, have toyed with the idea of becoming each other's "safeties." Shall the Hapsburg Jaw replace the Clavin forehead as our family crest? Is there anything to do here?

-- Rightful Claimant Of Father's Wealth Upon His Death

Dear Primogenitor:

I've always believed the best way to prevent inbreeding is to ban country music, but you have presented another challenge to the notion of non-consanguinity. As you have so expressed your concern for your siblings, I have no doubt that you've already tried playing matchmaker, such as using your children to introduce your brother to homely Protestant girls on the beach or outright asking your sister in front of company why she wants to be an old maid.

However, you have other options. For your brother: many mail-order bride companies are now accepting orders from anonymous donors. For your sister: mail-order bride companies might hire your sister if you send them her resume.

Another option is to make them extremely competitive against each other, which will inspire them to beat the other to getting married. Tell one that his graduate school is more highly ranked than his sister, and tell the other that her school is more religious than her brother's. But make sure that you still look better than either of them: tell them both that you have more degrees than them and your school was more religious than either of them.

-- Dr. N

PS. I have a feeling that although your siblings are unmarried, your brother has more hair than you and your sister ... well, she might have more facial hair than you.

BOMB FOUND IN NELLO'S OLD APARTMENT, LINK TO NURSE CHRIS

2007-09-06T21:55:00.000-04:00

With the tragic murder of the beloved Nurse Chris still under investigation, a discovery made today suggests that his/her death may have been part of a plot to kill Dr. Nello as well.

Dr. Nello recently upgraded to a penthouse in nearby luxury apartments, moving out of his old Pittsburgh residence in mid-August. The three current female tenants were clearing out the basement (which contained items left from the tenants before Dr. Nello) when they discovered a 12 oz. bottle of nitroglycerin. A firetruck, several police cars, a paramedic van and a bomb squad were called in to remove the explosive while the apartment and its surrounding homes were evacuated.

Lab analysis revealed that the nitroglycerin had only partially crystalized. A fully crystalized sample could have detonated at the slightest movement, but in its partially crystalized state, it was still deadly. Knocking or dropping the bottle could crack it, which as one paramedic put it, could have "blown up the place. You'd be dead."

The bottle was discovered last week, but although it is labelled "NITROGLYCERIN" the current tenants were unaware of its danger until today, when they called the police.

It is unclear who placed the explosive in the basement, if it was intended to kill Dr. Nello, or if it has any relationship to the Nurse Chris murder. Dr. Nello says of the discovery, "I'm lucky to be alive. To think, I did laundry in that basement several times and could have accidentally used [the bottle of nitroglycerin], mistaking it for detergent. To be sure, those damn spots would be out, but I'd also be dead."

If indeed the bomb was meant for Dr. Nello, it seems the potential killer was unaware that Dr. Nello had moved.

Dr. Nello did accused some individuals of using the nitroglycerin to construct meth labs in his basement, including his archrival Dear Flabby. He later retracted these claims when it was pointed out that nitroglycerin is, in fact, not used in meth labs. His credibility as a doctor was briefly questioned, but these doubts were dispelled when he proved he must be a real doctor as his name is, after all, "Doctor" Nello.

The bottle was marked with the letters "JS," which was thought to have stood for "JustineSpired" but was later proved to be the letters "US" in "VERY DANGEROUS." (The ink on the "U" was partially faded, resembling a "J.")

[For more information, check out my new second blog at http://hereinpittsburgh.blogspot.com/.]

SAD NEWS

2007-09-04T14:43:00.001-04:00

I haven't posted in over a month because I've been mourning the passing of a dear friend. Nurse Chris was found August 5th with a screwdriver in Nurse Chris's head. The death is still being investigated. -- Dr. N

Anonymous Commenter

2007-08-01T00:23:00.000-04:00

Dr. Nello:

I have a pretty popular blog, but there's one fan I could do without. This particular reader sometimes uses an alias, but often just signs as "anonymous." I understand that it's slightly more effort to have to type in your name rather than just clicking the "anonymous" option, but this fan has a Blogger account (meaning it's just as simple to sign in with her real name). At first I thought she was signing anonymously because she didn't feel like signing in, but I've heard that she truly believes she's tricking me into thinking it's some other reader. She knows I don't think she's clever (especially compared to my profound cleverness), so she thinks by pretending to be someone else, I'll see the wit in her posts. As Shakespeare says, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and a post by anonymous is still stupid." What can I do to stop her from posting anonymously?

-- A. Nonny, Mass.

Dear A. Nonny:

You could simply turn off anonymous commenting, but this wouldn't send the full message. What you need to do is blog about this exact issue: write an article on why she's sooooo annoying when she pretends to be someone else. Remind her that she is not clever AT ALL. When she makes herself laugh (because she is easily amused) she is the only one laughing. Don't forget to explicitly say that you are not joking and are extremely serious. I doubt she'll want to keep anonyposting after that.

-- Dr. N

Real Real Estate

2007-07-31T21:04:00.000-04:00

Dr. Nello:

I put my apartment online to attract potential renters, but I suspect that I may be getting scam emails. There's a Swedish mail-order bride, a British paleontologist, a chemist father and a blind and cripple teacher. While they've all provided plenty of background and guarantees, there's just something phishy about it. How can I tell if I can trust them or not?

[All the original letters can be found here.]

-- Moving, USA

Dear Moving:

What I'd suggest is that you write back to the posters making fun of them. Insult everything about them, especially spelling and grammar, appearances and weight, and lifestyle choices. If it's truly a scam they won't bother responding to you, and if it turns out to be real, you can apologize and explain that you were merely testing them for security reasons. They'll understand.

-- Dr. N

"Pretty" Clothes and Ugly People, Pt. 1

2007-07-31T14:17:00.000-04:00

Dr. Nello (AND NURSE CHRIS):

Is there a connection between being physically unattractive and being mentally ill? I ask because there seems to be a high percentage of individuals with repulsive bodies who like to wear shirts and pants with slogans claiming to be some sort of hot commodity. Generally the slogan itself is strategically placed so as to draw your attention to a "problem area" of theirs. Even when it is not placed poorly though, the nature of the words just begs you to critique their beauty (or rather, lack thereof). Most of these people have ugly faces, too. I can only conclude that they have some mental deficiency. Why else would they do this?

-- Concerned After Standing in Line Behind a Man Who Had a List of "Firefighter Pickup Lines" on His Shirt but a Face that Made Me Throw Up a Little in My Mouth.

Dear CASILBAMWHALOFPLOHSBAFTMMTUALIMM:

The study of logovestusbellus delusion, or the confusion of "clothes with words make me pretty," is rather recent territory to be mined. However, with the rise of A&F, it is spreading at an alarming rate. My favorite example of LD was a girl with the word "Juicy" written across her derrière. I believe she was trying to degrade herself a la Sir Mix-a-Lot, but to Nurse Chris and I it just reminded us of liquid flatulences. Similarly, my sister spotted a female "Money Maker" whose income probably fell flat of what she expected.

But as you pointed out, males are not immune to this plight. Sometimes it's just innocuous yet stupid, like pointing out a "Gun Show" when the wearer has peashooters rather than bazookas, or proclaim the dirty deeds committed by the individual (like "I Fell in the Mud" when it's obvious he didn't).

Is there a mental deficiency connection? You would think an intelligent person would realize that wearing clothes with words don't make you beautiful, clothes that are expensive make you beautiful. But it's possible that the wearer doesn't actually believe that he/she possesses the qualities shis clothes proclaim, but wish to attract stupid people who read the word "Hottie" and assume that the shirt must be telling the truth even if shis eyes deceive shim.

While these nonmatching slogans and bodies make you vomit, just remember: wouldn't it be worse if they weren't wearing any clothes at all?

-- Dr. N

PS. Nurse Chris will add shis comments shortly (for those not familiar with the Beijing+5 type thinking, "shis" is the indeterminant gender possessive adjective; likewise "shim" corresponds to "her/him").

AUGUST ALREADY?

2007-07-23T21:33:00.000-04:00

Where does the time go? We meant to answer so many posts during the month of July, but I guess we just fell behind. Here's a few rushed responses. Hopefully they're up to caliber.

Also, Dr. Jello had a birthday recently that we'd like to announce now (her b-day was 7/22). To make it up to her, we're going to have a very special "13+ years" post coming soon. And hopefully "soon" means this month.

Sincerely,
The Staff

[This was originally a Harry Potter post, but that was supposed to be a joke. I was going to delete it but since it got two comments, I decided to just change it.]

Doctor Nello to Inherit from a Not-A-Scam

2007-07-10T22:48:00.000-04:00

[Note: This letter has been shortened; to see the original, click here.]
Greetings:

I am Mr. Douglas Gireme, an Accountant with Stanbic Bank Plc Lagos, Nigeria; I am also the personal Account Manager to Engr. George Woods, a Citizen of your country and a civil engineering Contractor with Halifax Petroleum Products Servicing Company in my country. On the 22nd of October 2005, Engr. George Woods was involved in a plane crash of Bellview Airlines Boeing 737 flight 210. All 117 passengers on board including Engr. George Woods, his Wife and their 3 children were killed in the fatal crash, shortly after take-off from Lagos.

Since then I have made several enquiries to your Embassy to locate any of His extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several Unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his relatives over the Internet, to locate any member of His family but to no avail, hence I contacted you. I got your contact from a Web directory I got from your embassy. I am his personal account manager of his account in my bank. The account is valued at about US$11 Million Dollars and it is due to be declared unserviceable by my bank by the end of next month since it has been inactive and unclaimed by anyone for more than 20 calendar months.

I am contacting you to assist in repatriating the money in addition to the estate property left behind by the late Engr. George. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over a year now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the George Woods, so that the proceeds of this account valued at US$11 million dollars can be paid to you, and then you and I can share the money 50% each. I will provide you with some of the Basic documents that the bank will expect you to have as a TRUE next of kin to Engr. George. This includes the Certificate of deposit for the money, Death Certificate and the Index Code number for the Account. An attorney will be contracted to help revalidated and notarize all the necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we you make.

All I require is your honesty; Sincerity and Cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this transaction will be executed under due legitimate procedures that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me by my email to Enable us discuss further and also send your telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.

-- Mr. Douglas Gireme, Esq

Mr. Grimy:

What bittersweet news: I can inherit wealth from the horrible death of someone I've never met. And there is clearly no way this is a scam because no lawyer who would fake a next-of-kin claim would be dishonest. I think your offer to split the money 50-50 is very fair and I'll be in touch with you shortly. Thanks again!

-- Dr. N